Tug of War

She's tugging at my tie.
She's tugging at my belt.
She's telling me to leave.
She's telling me when I come over she wants me and then she doesn't want to keep up her obligations to friends. She just wants to have sex and watch a movie and lay in bed and talk but she has to go and she wants a quickie and she likes having the smell of our sex on her and it'll make her wet later on when she thinks about it while she has dinner with her friend and then she'll be aching for me and want me to come back over later because her bed isn't the same now when I'm not in it and she tilts her head to one side and ties her hair back and props herself up on my chest and she is breathtaking in this moment and she says she misses my weight in her bed and her legs are restless when she can't drape them across my hard body and I'm always so warm like a heater and she needs me to go before she tears my clothes off and falls asleep and feels bad for blowing off her friends.

Her deep brown eyes stare into mine and it occurs to me how briefly we've been exclusive and even more quickly how this has snowballed beyond the control of either of us individually or collectively. We intermittently try to rein it back in, but this is at best only temporary and largely ineffectual because emotionally the feelings flourish beneath the surface and magnify during absences from one another.


Things are changing and I'm concerned about where this is heading.
I didn't expect to feel this deeply for someone so soon after the divorce. It's not what I want and yet I cannot resist. I'm having trouble withholding a certain level of emotional depth which I know will tie me to her.
It's like two people, who both know this is spinning out of control, but neither can steel themselves to the idea of walking away and quitting it.

So I accept, as I always do, this will end traumatically with tears and hurt and it will be beautiful in its own sadly unavoidable way.

 Good luck and happy hunting,
      - Yrs. in Christ