Happiness is Fleeting

Soundtrack

She's asking me if I have a ******.
I tell her I do.
She's telling me she's worried that sleeping together will ****************
I don't say much in moments like this.
I let her talk whilst I take it in.
I read her face and the tone of her voice.
I don't react regardless of what my inner monologue suggests.
She *********** and her hair tickles my face. Her face is close to mine. She's warm and I can smell her. Her petite frame feels good and my arms are around her waist.
She says we should lay down.

I walk into the room and take off my jeans. I don't wear underwear and she shyly takes stock of me in the light. She climbs on top of me and kisses my chest slowly and carefully. Her shyness is endearing and makes me more excited for what's coming.
She whispers that she's not sure....but with a Cheshire cat grin she bites my ear and asks me to help her be sure.
I simply look her deep in the eyes and unequivocally tell her "okay".

Naked, she looks exactly how I imagined and how I would want her to look.
I take her face in my hand as I kiss her and she accepts everything I do to her.
I take my time and she follows my lead.
She says she wants to feel me inside of her, taking her, having my way with her.
She cums then I do.
She freaks out.
--

I wake up and she's not in bed.
I go back to sleep.
I wake up and she's in bed...but she's on the other side.
She eventually comes to my side of the bed and her beautiful face is next to mine. Hey eyes are closed but she is not at rest.
She is a maelstrom of inner turmoil.
I calculate at least 4 different voices that must be vying for control in her mind.

I can feel it beneath the surface.
I don't try to fix it.
I don't try to rationalize it for her.
I don't apologize. She slowly warms up as the hamster gets tired in its wheel and her default state reasserts itself.... and her emotional cat string back and forth game makes me realize this feels familiar somehow. She oscillates between a capriciously flirtations ingénue and a distant resentment unwillingness to just let....the....fuck....go. There is some serious sadness there...some serious tension.
I don't try to pull her back in.
I don't try to fight for control.
I don't give chase.
I shake my head deep inside in disappointment but I let go of my expectations.

I make a note to remember this for consideration later because at this moment I'm having difficulty placing my finger on it.
I remember cancelling plans with another girl yesterday because of this girl. Something heretofore unimaginable to your humble narrator. She makes me something to eat and the dichotomy of what she says versus what she does continues in earnest so I just let go and take each moment as perhaps the last we will share.

I get up and leave and place my trust in the work I've done that she'll calm down and her woman brain will chill the fuck out because we could have something really good together.

But it is beyond my control so I give her space and go to the gym to put it out of my mind which sort of works but not really because I have this emotional hangover as a result of the night and the feelings I'm developing for her and the time we've been spending together and I worry about her but I try to stop myself which doesn't really work and I just let go, take a deep breath, and......get some coffee.

I haven't been to a meeting in days and I'm not sure if I'll go to one tonight.
I've hit a point where I know and accept that drinking or going back out will not do anything but exacerbate the problem....but it also sucks because I am without relief when the best laid plans are torn asunder and my reality does not match my expectations.
Everything feels and seems uncertain so I just take a deep breath and try to let go again but it only half works.
--

I text the girl I cancelled on and she quickly texts me back.
She agrees to meet me with little or no heads up.
I sigh and shake my head because this is how it always goes.
I decide to get back into practice
I shake my head and part of me is sad because it is not what I want.

I know that if/when I hear from homegirl again, I have to accept that she has to ask to see me. I cannot cross the rubicon.
I hate that this is how it works.
I hate that I can't just explain rationally how and why and use logic to show her how awesome things will be between us if she just lets go completely and unabashedly and places herself in my strong hands.
I hate it...but that is simply how it is.

I get my coffee to go and I head to meet the other girl as the sun sets.
My heart hangs but I must trust in the work and foundation I have laid all the while taking steps forward.

One foot in front of the other.

Good luck and happy hunting,
        - Yrs. in Christ