Times Change

So yeah.
I put my demons to bed.
Life opened up.
I moved.
I'm pursuing my goals and dreams.

If you're out there, mired in the abyss......it doesn't have to stay that way.
There is help.
I can't tell you if that's for you....but I wasn't going to be alive to be doing anything if i didn't change.
I can't say if this is my saying farewell.....but I will say, remember me as I was.....

24601

Looks like I'll be moving in a few weeks. Consequences be damned.
I'm setting aside everything I can in the next few weeks and heading for a major metropolitan area where I can start anew.

I'm fighting off a cold and have been under the weather. I don't really have a lot of options now given my background. My previous career is largely off limits and if I make this choice to go onto this new path there's honestly not much in the way of going back.

Here's that part where normal people say "well you should have thought about that," and you remember how normal people never understand people like us. But ultimately, you can either allow people to reintegrate into society or deal with the aftermath of those unallowed to reintegrate. For a country with such a staggering violent crime problem and the clear evidence mounting that our solutions to crime and punishment fail to prevent the commission/repeated crime et cetera, esp. in the area of those suffering from addiction......the reality is that because those of us struggling with addiction to the extent that we break the rules/laws, number something like 10-20% of the population.....we'll always be on the fringes and treated as such.

I'm very close to making a decision that cannot be undone.
If I make this decision.....it sets me on a path that will likely not be one from which I can come back.
I'd had a feeling recently....I'd had a feeling that another brush with the law was coming. I'd had anxiety return to my dreams, and my mom always taught me to trust my intuition. I've come to put a lot of stock in my gut/instincts, and now that I'm sober I trust them even moreso as they are much sharper.

I have a few weeks to decide....but I've given enough of my time/life to the state...and I don't think I will willingly give it any more. If you've seen the 25th hour you know what I'm talking about.
There's a moment when you stand at the crossroads.....and like Jean Valjean I had a feeling.....I had a feeling that despite the fact I've gotten sober....that despite the fact I'm a different man....the cycle wasn't  broken...and that I had descended too far down to climb back out.

3 Dates to Bang Part !!

For some specifics on my MO.
I don't really believe in specific lines or even best practices per se.

First date: bowling, shooting pool, perhaps a museum. I trust in my conversation skills and the fact that I actually like getting to know someone I'm interested in. I'm a low key kind of person in that sense. I loathe clubs and super fake (IMHO) high energy places. I'm a good looking dude (so I'm told) and could learn to do well in these environments, but the type of girl I'd like to sleep with/spend time with likely rarely goes to these places (about as much as I go to them/when I'm dragged there for some bizarre social expectation).

Lions have to learn to go where the Zebras are.
Stop and ask yourself, where would the girl you want to be with go?
What would she be doing for hobbies/interests?

Second date: Drinks (though I no longer drink) if not had on the first date, if had on the first date then follow first date itinerary with a few location changes: perhaps 2 unless seeing a band et cetera.

3rd interaction: my place or hers. Likely already been invited to her place/briefly been there on a previous date to pick up or drop off. Sex.

3 Dates to Bang

I've previously mentioned by Rule of 7, meaning that at the outmost, I have to meaningful interact with 7 women to sleep with at least one, but that often my average is more like 1 out of ever 3-4.

As for those girls with whom sex does occur, I find the average number of interactions before sex is 1-3. The type of girl I pursue and screen for will and would probably bang in less interactions than that if I really gamed hard/escalated, but that's just honestly not my MO. I'm simply not that hard up to get sex with a stranger and part of the enticement for me is shy girls that take a bit to pacify and make comfortable. I screen for girls who are on average, more shy, less overall sexual partners (roughly 2-7 is the number they virtually always quote me, that being said self reporting is the least reliable of all information gathering, but rather, I guess I subconsciously pursue girls who self report about this number if nothing else). Overly slutty girls tend to find me attractive and will flirt hard then adjust and dial it back, but quickly realize I'm not biting and then stop the pursuit. I'm simply not interested enough to carry them through the self doubt of my interest in them.

Met a girl of my favorite ethnicity, but as it turns out she has * kids. My phone almost flew out of my hands like it was made of syphillitic flesh. I made the mistake of dating a woman with a kid one time, and doubtful I'll even bother dipping my pen in that ink again. The eventual break-up is far more than I'm willing to walk toward knowingly and this isn't fucking Jerry Maguire and I refuse to be another dude in the revolving door of this/these kid/kids' life/lives.

The girl from ** is travelling out of town to )($)(#$)(# this weekend. I haven't brought up the "are we exclusive" talk because 1) I don't care enough to broach the subject and to do so would give her some power in the dynamic. I'll keep her guessing.

Some deeper level game is when you realize that if your inner game is tight, and if she feels relaxed and comfortable with you, in your arms, in your hands, she'll chill with the fuckin' million questions girls normally have.

The way dogs and children can sense anxiety/fear, girls as largely more emotionally intuitive beings, they can intuit this in others. When you come to terms with who you are, minus the existential problems you face later in life as you learn to truly not sweat the small things, you'll find that people will be drawn to you and that inner sense of calm/reserve that comes with the passing through of trials and tribulations......

Claim Respect (Learn to say No)

If you're not willing to tell her "no," either at will or even at your own detriment, you'll lose her respect or never even gain it.

That being said, if the only time you say "no," is out of spite, you'll come off as a petty/whiny bitch as well which is just about as much of a buzz kill.

Learn to just refuse to do something she asks, and if pressed for a reason, don't provide one.
"I don't feel like it," is an acceptable response is said with an even tone/keel.

I can't reiterate this enough.
Learn to say no and stick to your guns.
Period.

You'll have to relearn this lesson over and over.
Saying no inevitably subtly helps you operate not from a place of scarcity but 1) knowing she will accept your refusal and that 2) on a larger scale is she balks then walks....you will stick to your line in the sand and not give chase.

The ironic thing about this?
They will virtually never leave when you do this IF done correctly.
When you learn to not sweat women leaving you, the bizarre thing is they virtually never will.
It's a lesson learned in blood and one that totally changes your paradigm of interaction.
Eventually, when I slept with enough women, a lot of the(ir) magic was lost on me.
This equated to numbing me to their flailings and desperate cries for whatever....you sleep with enough and you see the numbers in the matrix. You see her tacit resistance, her emotional hangovers, her emotional push/pull, her pushing your buttons out of playfulness or genuine mean spiritedness......
You see that the harder her resistance pre-sex, the more she melts in your hand after the first dick in the vagina incident.
You see that the harder a time she gives you verbally, the more she's projecting.
A secure person doesn't need to tease others maliciously.
A secure person isn't afraid to say things that the other may not like or find offensive.

Shredding the Rolodex

I sleep with the girl from **.
She's not on the pill so it's condom sex for the time being.
The Asian girl I slept with a few weeks back largely leaves me alone at work. I'm not unkind or dismissive, I simply act how I did before she pursued me. I'd feel bad but honestly, if you start chasing down a guy who never was much more than polite to you, and you bed him, you can't expect that now just because you slipped him the Vag he'll suddenly have you on a pedestal.

I make plans with another girl for my upcoming day off. She's thick below the waist and long, dark hair and a cute face so we'll see. She's been chatting up a mutual friend of mine about me/how excited she is so we'll see what unfolds.

It's Cinco de Mayo so I get cut out of work semi early. I meet up with my buddy and take in the crowd. I'm debating if I'll go to the girl from **'s place for some condom sex, or stay out and take my chances meeting some birds. I like the crowd, but I make excuses about not being in state despite some clear looks from girls to approach. I mentally sift through my roster and remember that I need to break up with my girlfriend once the current personal issues she has pass.

Some girls chat me up at work before I get cut but I'm simply not in the game. My head is nowhere and everywhere. I need to resolve my girlfriend situation sooner rather than later and it's presence in the back of my mind on things yet to do irks me more than I expect it would.

I see some cute birds when I get off, some thick legged, curves, and eyes that turn downcast after a longing eye contact. I don't approach because my best game is full intention or pure laconic, like everything for people like us, it's all or nothing. Anything in between just comes across as weak sauce.
She's texting me saying she's tired and I'm half on the fence for some condom sex and half on the fence to ride this out and observe and wait for the late night fade. I could care less about sex at this point...but the tiredness creeps up on me from behind and her bed is soft as fuck so I tell her I'm on my way. I need a good solid night of sleep to get things back to the starting line.
I pack it in and bid adieu to my buddy and the girl he's with at the moment.

Most of Us Don't Make It

The post title is something a guy in a meeting I attend says often.
If you're not in recovery, or not one of us, stop reading this post or read on. You probably won't get it.
Disclaimer done.

The statistical reality is that the absolute vast majority of alcoholics and addicts die before they would otherwise.
That is truth.
I was at the point in my drinking that virtually anything is preferable to where I was and definitely where I was going.

I don't expect someone who isn't one to understand. I was at the point where it was time to fucking go on to the bitter end or fucking kill myself. Real talk.

I look at my blog roll on my blog. So many blogs have come and gone. So much for MRA and so much for all of the blogosphere. Despite one blog title shift, my blog's been here throughout. Since the beginning, before MRA was a thing. Really, not long after PUA was a thing.
Above or beyond or whatever all that, this is hear to document the heretical, the mania, the raw truth.....to be some tiny drop of truth in an ocean of lies out there. The truths we can't speak in the light of day, the truths we can only speak in anonymity.

In all things....most people are the 97%. Most people don't even start.
Most people quit at the first setback.
Most people quit when they realize the real cost and the real grind as to how long it takes.
You can be good at maybe 2-3 things in your life. What are they gonna be?
You have time to decide.
It can be whatever you want it to be.
Get started.
Every day you waste is a day you'll wish you had started one day down the road.