Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

Soundtrack
I run my fingers through her hair and look at the city skyline, or what passes for it here.
She smokes a cigarette but it doesn't bother me.
She gets comfortable and wiggles around like a cat looking for just the right spot, her beautiful, deep brown eyes look up into mine.
She says she needs to ask me something.
She hesitates a long time before she does.
My heart turns over and my stomach puts on flip flops.

A former boyfriend wants to ***** and visit her. He's not just some boyfriend either. He's...like...the...boyfriend.

I decide in my mind this is another "line in the sand" moment.
I decide to roll the dice.
I know that to waiver or show weakness is ultimate failure and total game over.

All or nothing, you can only win what you put in the middle.
No man with respect for himself would have this interloper visit.
If it's tolerate this or lose her, well, it's been real, but deuces baby.
You have to know when you're willing to walk away and be willing to stick to your guns.

Rationally, I hold nothing compared to this guy. I have virtually no cards. He has a history and a narrative and a story and unrequited love postulated by a world .........
But the little voice in my head.....knows that if logic governed women, this would  be a no brainer, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.

I also know if I do not handle this correctly or panic, the ship will sink in moments.
I pause and hold frame with the strength of Atlas balancing the world precariously and as he knows he must.
It is a fucking huge opportunity, but as with all things of this nature in life, big reward necessitates massive risk.

I ask her how she would feel if she were in my shoes.
She doesn't respond at first.
Rather than answer my logical question she postulates some instances or constraints in which it would be okay for him to visit or about trust et cetera.

I frame it not as that I don't trust her, but that out of respect for me and us it's simply unfair to even make such a request. I cut the thread of negotiation and make it a non thing.
She searches her feelings and relents.

"A man doesn't get on a plane and fly that far to chat, shop at the mall, and have a cup of coffee".
"He does, he's ****************************".
"Don't be silly. I am neither daft nor foolish."
I never lose my temper, nor my cool. I do not let neediness seep into my being. Rather, I stand from a place of detached certainty of my position that the nature of the request renders it invalid.

I maintain frame and look out over the buildings and note the dichotomy between the peace of the day's warm weather and my white knuckled control of my facial affect and internal state.
I feel a part of whatever is developing for her withdraw deep inside my chest in full retreat.
She perceptively asks if this changes my trust level in her.
I tell her the truth which is that I do not know.

"The layers of omission furtively peel back every so briefly and occasionally and thus we adjust our expectations accordingly."

She turns into me and her tiny hands pull at my waist and pull herself deeper into me. She nuzzles my chest with her face and though I am swayed, my old armor begins to form and I am reminded why we must always be willing to walk away.
I will put it out of my mind for the rest of the day.
Later I will find myself downtown with friends, and a good looking brunette will begin to touch me during conversation, and her brown eyes will implore mine to escalate but my heart is sick with this other girl and I won't do it.

I'll pick her up from an event, and she'll curl up with her head on my chest as I drive to my place and she'll run inside and kick off her dress, her bare body in a bra and underwear and heels spinning and turning around my kitchen, pressing up against me, her intoxicatingly soft, full lips preying on my willpower and assailing my internal state and doubts.
I almost forget about our earlier conversation and in fact, for a time, she makes me not care what may come to pass beyond this moment.
We play the game and she turns into me I take her selfishly and aggressively and roughly and she begs me to cum inside her and afterward she collapses into me and sleeps as only they can when their world has been given order, certainty, and security.
I hold the fire in my hand another day, another night, and