Faith & Fear

Picking up and dusting myself off at 30.
I'm amazed at the self-fulfilling prophecy I had in layers of my early to mid 20's and here I am.
Just as I expected.
We become what we expect.

I'm also joyful in a strange sense...that there is so much still of life, love, lust, loss, and the like to experience. I'm hungry like the wolf.
Give me more despite the emotional fallout and the loneliness.
I have more joy and sorrow to taste and devour.

For a man as jaded as me to find some solace in two nights of indiscretion spread across nearly two years of life in the gilded cage of marriage....it was pleasant and surprising.

The latter experience....I was impressed that another person could affect me so deeply and quickly.

Been thinking a lot about the law of attraction...how occasionally we cross paths with another person in the exact same emotional/mental state as ourselves...and the magentism that follows can crush your soul and person and resistance to powder.

I was hurt in the knee jerk response....but ultimately glad, as it reminded me of valuable lessons in man/woman dynamics, and proved something I genuinely doubted, that I could feel emotion to that depth in any given amount of time if at all.

I'm still here. Learning. Living. Winning. Losing.
And that is the fun of it.

I think about the last two very powerful interactions I had with women.
They were are deep and open as any I've ever had right off the bat with someone.
They required something: a willingness on the part of both participants.
Oddly enough, both girls singled me out each time.
One sent a friend to deduce my plans for the night.
The other made a point to sit down next to me on the *****.

What followed transpired as it always had to.
A strange fatalism (even for someone who believes in the notion so deeply) enveloped the interaction and I saw the matrix of it all.

Both participants/people must be open to and perhaps even on some level aware or not searching for a deeper bridge/connnection/harmony with a like presence.

The vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast majority of people are so wrapped up in the motherfucking lies they tell themselves, the pretty lies they tell others, how they'd like to be, how they claim they want others to be....so few people are honest with themselves, how the in the fuck could they ever be honest with a complete stranger?

If you have been daring or perhaps simply fortunate, you've had those powerful interactions however occasionally and felt the depth and power and vibrance with which they reverberate through the fibers of your being.

And that....a moment in time, a kiss that rapes your soul, ravages your senses, a lust that drives you to the brink of insanity....that moment in time you know will soon fade, that burns so bright you know it will not last long....those are the moments I desire.

And I will keep hunting for those rare persons willing to experience them as well.
        - Yrs. in Christ