(A)Part

Posted up with my buddy downtown. He's the longest running friend I still see regularly. We're going on almost 12 years of friendship. A rare commodity in the the world of modernity.
We head over and see my other buddy at another bar who's in set with a girl and her friend. I'd met two of them before when my buddy had met the girl he was chatting up.......I sit down to be a good friend and help with Operation: Placate.....and despite the smiles and the friendly chit chat something compels me to get up and go be by myself.

Alone in a crowd.
The crowd.
The....I don't know. I'm well and headlong past the revelry and merriment.
I'm looking for something....but I honestly have no idea what it is.
I stare as hard as I can given my level of inebriation....but I cannot see it.
I feel....adrift is probably the most apt term.

I see the figurative visual equivalent of writer's block.
I've sarged (still hate that term) through a lot of approaches lately.
Virtually grinded any of the joy possible out of it.

Feel like I'm going through the motions almost completely.
The girl I met at the coffee shop comes to mind.
We both were mindlessly pursuing something else through one another.
It was mechanical (not altogether unenjoyable).....but it was emotional masturbation and barely more than masturbation in the physical sense.

"Let me do this thing that faux re-enactment of something I miss doing with someone who is not that person I actually want and miss which produces the same hormones and chemicals and feeling in my body of actual connection with someone so I won't feel lonely/unwanted/abandoned/un-valuable...."

I guess.
Maybe not.