Disappear Here

"Sparrows flock,
  Eagles soar."
It took awhile to accept and then actually end my marriage. I knew on some wordless, inarticulable level that I had to be honest and forthright about how I felt. This did little to mitigate the guilt and sadness of letting her and others down.
But....I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.

I told myself long ago I would slavishly pursue my list of things to do/accomplish and would sacrifice what it took to complete them before my youth would fade. I'm ticking down the last few years where I can physically compete at a relatively high end athletic level......
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I'm standing amongst the gays.
I make some chit chat with some of their female friends.
The bartender is slinging me free drinks and I don't complain.
It's hard being pretty.
This must be what girls feel like.
No wonder men and women see the world so differently.

I grow weary of the world and head home to sleep.
Work is tiring and it's 10 o'clock the next night before I feel normal-ish again.

I am tired but I know that I have miles to go before I sleep.
In the quiet and the solitude I question the divorce again.
I know it is the right thing....but I do miss her and I do miss what we shared and all that we overcome as a couple.
I am surprised at how lonely I feel....I tell myself this is normal, particularly after being married.
At least, I assume it would be so, no?

I wonder when the end will come but I put those thoughts aside and breathe deeply.
My buddy calls me to go out but I don't respond.
I'm hiding in the apartment from the world watching bad cable and network TV.
Sometimes....it's the only play to make.