I'm reminded of Burrough's Junkie when he talks about a Junkie who goes through periods of clean time and then benders and how by doing so back and forth you could seemingly live much longer or something to that effect.
I'm seriously paraphrasing but these periods when I abstain, put things back into order, live like a normal person always seem to have that spin/tint/hue/whatever to them.
I hit the gym. I go to bed early (for a night owl). I watch an illegally streamed movie on my laptop rather than go see a band and be tempted to drink. I wake up early. I hit the gym. I eat healthy and on a regular schedule. I update my blog.
A bit of clarity comes to me rather than the haze of a a day right after a bender. I've done this before so I know that despite feeling like I'm on a razor wire at times and a hair trigger and being bitter and bitchy and resentful and irritated....the longer I stay sober, overall the more clarity I will have and eventually relative peace will pervade more and more of my waking hours (plus the sleep will be actual sleep not passing out into the blackness).
I have to work in a bit but this isn't much of a temptation because I've not typically mixed drinking with working. I like being productive and genuinely loathe the days spent sleeping off a 2-5 day bender and grinding out hours in the gym hungover and low blood sugar-ed due to poor diet and alcohol leaching nutrients and whatever else out of my body.
I know that though I say these things and believe and think them now, that the day will come, perhaps in an hour, or maybe tomorrow, or maybe next week or in 5 years when a drink sounds like something I want.
The little voice uses the violent hangover to lure you early on.
It uses the psychological aftershocks to lure you thereafter.
The promise of a good time or just a few will come subsequent to the above.
Then finally, in the throes of normalcy and boredom it will either sound like a good idea or I will simply not care because normalcy is only something I can tolerate for so long.
That need for a little bit more, or hell, a fucking whole lot more will hit me and the eternal winter of my discontent will promise something, anything, so long as it's intense will be better than this new life in the sun and the calm.
This I know. This cunning quality to the voice that never actually leaves......
Good luck and happy hunting,
- Yrs. in Christ
I'm seriously paraphrasing but these periods when I abstain, put things back into order, live like a normal person always seem to have that spin/tint/hue/whatever to them.
I hit the gym. I go to bed early (for a night owl). I watch an illegally streamed movie on my laptop rather than go see a band and be tempted to drink. I wake up early. I hit the gym. I eat healthy and on a regular schedule. I update my blog.
A bit of clarity comes to me rather than the haze of a a day right after a bender. I've done this before so I know that despite feeling like I'm on a razor wire at times and a hair trigger and being bitter and bitchy and resentful and irritated....the longer I stay sober, overall the more clarity I will have and eventually relative peace will pervade more and more of my waking hours (plus the sleep will be actual sleep not passing out into the blackness).
I have to work in a bit but this isn't much of a temptation because I've not typically mixed drinking with working. I like being productive and genuinely loathe the days spent sleeping off a 2-5 day bender and grinding out hours in the gym hungover and low blood sugar-ed due to poor diet and alcohol leaching nutrients and whatever else out of my body.
I know that though I say these things and believe and think them now, that the day will come, perhaps in an hour, or maybe tomorrow, or maybe next week or in 5 years when a drink sounds like something I want.
The little voice uses the violent hangover to lure you early on.
It uses the psychological aftershocks to lure you thereafter.
The promise of a good time or just a few will come subsequent to the above.
Then finally, in the throes of normalcy and boredom it will either sound like a good idea or I will simply not care because normalcy is only something I can tolerate for so long.
That need for a little bit more, or hell, a fucking whole lot more will hit me and the eternal winter of my discontent will promise something, anything, so long as it's intense will be better than this new life in the sun and the calm.
This I know. This cunning quality to the voice that never actually leaves......
Good luck and happy hunting,
- Yrs. in Christ
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