Blackout

I come out of a blackout somewhere in the vicinity of my house. I'm lost and confused and half think I'm still thousands of miles away out of town and half realize I'm in my hometown.
I get home and pass out.
I wake up, work that night, but don't eat any food for roughly 24 hours.
I don't drink for the first whole day in probably a week, having done the same the 8 days before that going for days on end then managing a handful of consecutive days in a row.

I'm in shambles and know what I have to do to jumpstart some consecutive days of sobriety and relative peace and calm: I wake up, eat something, hit the gym, shower, get cleaned up, shave, and find some meetings to go to despite wanting to hit the gym again.

Whenever I feel the panic button I remind myself that I know how this routine goes. I know that I'm physically weak from the bender and psychologically battered from the anxiety production that follows drinking that much alcohol for days on end.

Knowing logically what's causing the rollercoaster in my mind helps take the edge off if ever so slightly.
Gotten into some scrapes recently that I can't share because were someone to stumble across this blog, they would know it's mine. This may seem like paranoia but I've been outed before and I don't honestly care to risk it again.

Hung out with some Argentinean girls and then some Costa Rican girls when I was out of town. I actually behaved myself but did enjoy the company of non-Western women as per usual. It's small things like stepping behind me as we made room for others on the sidewalk or pouring you a beer or tea that they instinctively do.
It doesn't always happen for me, but part of me has to assume that some guys just elicit this more from women because when I describe my interactions with women and compare notes with guys I know, it's like we're talking about two completely different species.



I'd be remiss to not admit I do get my share of tests and shit-talkers, but it's really not that common and so I immediately next them or roll my eyes and disengage that it's not something I expect when interacting with women.

I don't know how guys actually date standard/basic American chicks.
Like, I really don't understand it. I see virtually no appeal in either their company nor their other host of defects. Dated a halfsie/ethnically I mean half white girl recently only very briefly and despite being exceedingly and stupefyingly hot, I literally kicked her loose because her lack of personality was both amazing yet simultaneously terrible at the same time. The effects of being really, really, really hot and having a vagina had reduced her personality to funny youtbe videos and vines.

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