How it Feels

Yep. He coins it pretty accurately.

I've retreated into normalcy. I worked last night but didn't drink.
I had my coffee and kept it casual despite being offered coke multiple times and weed.
I walked home from work and slept relatively late then laid in bed and looked at pictures of my girlfriend.
The stupid hot girl I was fucking texted me but I haven't responded.

I'm going to a meeting tomorrow because I'll be at the gym tonight.
I have to self-coach myself throughout the day to stave off the red light thoughts that will inevitably come at night.
I'm at the point where I'm considering anti-depressants as well as abstinence from alcohol.
I've never liked the idea of being reliant on medicine, but I'm clearly dependent on alcohol so what's the difference? At this point it's relative, at least the medication will be prescribed.
Alcohol just has me deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.

I managed ** months of sobriety coming out of treatment, but the depression returned and I grew dissatisfied in sobriety to the point that I relapsed with alcohol.

I'm very much in the one day at a time stage right now.
I'm so beaten down from drinking to black out several days in a row that I just want to not feel how I do and I've got enough previous sobriety I've experience that if I can grind through a week or two I'll legitimately feel better physically as my body overcomes the ravages of my behavior and late nights and womanizing.

I always wondered why you didn't see a lot of people in the rooms or in treatment right around my age; they were always much younger or much older with the occasional person with a lot of years sober that would mean they got sober at about 30.

People either burned out so young and early making the psychic shift was easier in some ways, or simply had towed a much longer, tougher road through the hot gates and finally were so broken in later age they had no choice physically but to sober up.

At any rate, I'm trying to make it one day at a time and that's all I can do.
That and know that my mind will trick me sooner rather than later and later if not sooner into thinking it's fine to drink again.

- Yrs. in Christ