I spend yesterday feeling like I'm losing my mind.
I am on full tilt and fucking cry during a movie I'm watching.
I know it's the disease.
I know it's lashing out because I drank for days and nights on end and now it's been something like 6 days.
It's lashing at me hard.
Spurring me to take something, to take anything to take the edge off.
I somehow cling to belief or faith or something and ride it out even though I'm working downtown and it's all there for the taking, wanting, and asking.
I get midway through my shift and finally...for the first time in 5 or 6 days feel human again.
I get off work, I don't make a ton but I feel like a human so I head home and though I can't sleep I don't give into the temptation to drink a beer or 2 to wind down. I lay in bed and wait until sleep comes and it is sleep not passing or blacking out and though I wake up relatively early to hit the gym....I feel better than I have in ages. This is the most days of continuous sobriety I've grinded out in a good while, perhaps 2-3 months.
The genie is back in the bottle for the time being.
The Hulk is back inside of Bruce Banner.
The full moon shine not upon the Wolfman.
He's (for the most part) easier to contain once he's inside. Once he's on the loose....even for what starts as one night....so quickly slides into days and weeks or perhaps months and then very dangerous behavior to myself and others.
--
I stop texting the obscenely hot ( I suspect) part-time stripper I was banging.
She hits me on the facebook when she sees I unfriended her.
Next she texts wanting to know why I've disappeared.
It's equal parts I think I'll get caught cheating, she's a train wreck, I drink way too much with her, and I don't feel like dating a stripper again, and above all her sense of humor is watching animal videos on youtube status.
I let it fester for days on end because I know a girl like her rarely has men do this to her.
Then for experimentation services and for the benefit of my readers and research I resume contact.
I don't mince words and confront her head on. Like the childish woman (redundant, I know) she is, she flat out denies parts I know to be true, then plays on my emotions with something along the lines of my mistreating her (unsallied virgin soil she must be, lo!). I don't give in and to further the conversation admit I could have responded to her sooner. A backtracking of sorts, but no capitulation (weakness to her woman's ice cold spider carnivore heart) on my part to be sure.
I wait a prerequisite day and invite her to something because I am always curious in testing boundaries and what people will tolerate/how they react.
------
No one's seen me with a girl downtown for awhile and so the questions are beginning, like the whispers in Max's mind in the new Mad Max: Fury Road.
Girls flirt, add me on the facebook, ask my co-workers....what's up with *******?
Right now I'm basking in the lack of nearly paralyzing emotions and hurt and anguish I had been feeling for nearly 6 days straight coming off of the sauce.
I was fucking hurting. No fucking kidding.
I was honestly emotionally a motherfucking wreck. It was humbling.
Coming off of alcohol each time gets a bit rougher, gets a bit more brutal and right now I simply don't have it in me to do that again so soon.When I consider having a beer these few days I brush it off because I just can't start that cycle again. I don't know what the future holds....but I know for this day I am fucking good on feeling that way.
I call up my bookie and make some straight best for the fights tonight. I'm off so I'm looking forward to enjoying them, eating some decent food then calling it a night and training in the morning.
I'm off tomorrow so I know tomorrow has the hazard of the whispers coming my way by mid-afternoon, especially as the last I don't know how many Sundays I've drank until blackout.
But...that is tomorrow and no more does today's enlightenment persist to tomorrow than does today's matter for tomorrow.
----
The other pressing issue at hand is my girl is out of town for a bit.
The new girl I recently blew off/had been fucking was actually the only "new" girl for me since I started seeing my current girl * * months ago.
Kinda crazy when I think about it. While my volume has noticeably taken a hit my quality is as high if not higher than it has ever been.
Progress?
Perhaps.
Who can know such things?
The ex was so good in bed that when I was seeing both of them I had zero reason to look elsewhere. She was physically and sexually exactly my type.
My mind whispers one-itis and says finding another like her will be hard but we all shape one another into what we want or what we hate so I know that's not true.
--
At any rate....the hunt begins again but I need to delve outside of my current circles as I'm bound to get caught.
Actually, you're always bound to get caught but you can minimize risk(s) in the short term if you're not lazy and relatively careful.
I'm getting that desire to wrap my fingers around and unfamiliar throat and grab a girl by the hips from behind and mistreat her a good bit.
We always hurt the ones we love.
Good luck and happy hunting.
- Yrs. in Christ
I am on full tilt and fucking cry during a movie I'm watching.
I know it's the disease.
I know it's lashing out because I drank for days and nights on end and now it's been something like 6 days.
It's lashing at me hard.
Spurring me to take something, to take anything to take the edge off.
I somehow cling to belief or faith or something and ride it out even though I'm working downtown and it's all there for the taking, wanting, and asking.
I get midway through my shift and finally...for the first time in 5 or 6 days feel human again.
I get off work, I don't make a ton but I feel like a human so I head home and though I can't sleep I don't give into the temptation to drink a beer or 2 to wind down. I lay in bed and wait until sleep comes and it is sleep not passing or blacking out and though I wake up relatively early to hit the gym....I feel better than I have in ages. This is the most days of continuous sobriety I've grinded out in a good while, perhaps 2-3 months.
The genie is back in the bottle for the time being.
The Hulk is back inside of Bruce Banner.
The full moon shine not upon the Wolfman.
He's (for the most part) easier to contain once he's inside. Once he's on the loose....even for what starts as one night....so quickly slides into days and weeks or perhaps months and then very dangerous behavior to myself and others.
--
I stop texting the obscenely hot ( I suspect) part-time stripper I was banging.
She hits me on the facebook when she sees I unfriended her.
Next she texts wanting to know why I've disappeared.
It's equal parts I think I'll get caught cheating, she's a train wreck, I drink way too much with her, and I don't feel like dating a stripper again, and above all her sense of humor is watching animal videos on youtube status.
I let it fester for days on end because I know a girl like her rarely has men do this to her.
Then for experimentation services and for the benefit of my readers and research I resume contact.
I don't mince words and confront her head on. Like the childish woman (redundant, I know) she is, she flat out denies parts I know to be true, then plays on my emotions with something along the lines of my mistreating her (unsallied virgin soil she must be, lo!). I don't give in and to further the conversation admit I could have responded to her sooner. A backtracking of sorts, but no capitulation (weakness to her woman's ice cold spider carnivore heart) on my part to be sure.
I wait a prerequisite day and invite her to something because I am always curious in testing boundaries and what people will tolerate/how they react.
------
No one's seen me with a girl downtown for awhile and so the questions are beginning, like the whispers in Max's mind in the new Mad Max: Fury Road.
Girls flirt, add me on the facebook, ask my co-workers....what's up with *******?
Right now I'm basking in the lack of nearly paralyzing emotions and hurt and anguish I had been feeling for nearly 6 days straight coming off of the sauce.
I was fucking hurting. No fucking kidding.
I was honestly emotionally a motherfucking wreck. It was humbling.
Coming off of alcohol each time gets a bit rougher, gets a bit more brutal and right now I simply don't have it in me to do that again so soon.When I consider having a beer these few days I brush it off because I just can't start that cycle again. I don't know what the future holds....but I know for this day I am fucking good on feeling that way.
I call up my bookie and make some straight best for the fights tonight. I'm off so I'm looking forward to enjoying them, eating some decent food then calling it a night and training in the morning.
I'm off tomorrow so I know tomorrow has the hazard of the whispers coming my way by mid-afternoon, especially as the last I don't know how many Sundays I've drank until blackout.
But...that is tomorrow and no more does today's enlightenment persist to tomorrow than does today's matter for tomorrow.
----
The other pressing issue at hand is my girl is out of town for a bit.
The new girl I recently blew off/had been fucking was actually the only "new" girl for me since I started seeing my current girl * * months ago.
Kinda crazy when I think about it. While my volume has noticeably taken a hit my quality is as high if not higher than it has ever been.
Progress?
Perhaps.
Who can know such things?
The ex was so good in bed that when I was seeing both of them I had zero reason to look elsewhere. She was physically and sexually exactly my type.
My mind whispers one-itis and says finding another like her will be hard but we all shape one another into what we want or what we hate so I know that's not true.
--
At any rate....the hunt begins again but I need to delve outside of my current circles as I'm bound to get caught.
Actually, you're always bound to get caught but you can minimize risk(s) in the short term if you're not lazy and relatively careful.
I'm getting that desire to wrap my fingers around and unfamiliar throat and grab a girl by the hips from behind and mistreat her a good bit.
We always hurt the ones we love.
Good luck and happy hunting.
- Yrs. in Christ
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