Jekyll & Hyde

We're having dinner.
She asks me if I want to have a glass of wine.
I say yes.
There is a slow moment that stretches on into eternity.
I get up, open the bottle, and pour myself a glass of wine.
I have that feeling I've read about, like I'm watching myself from the outside do it. I don't even feel excitement, but rather like a robot.
In some false moment of meaning, I let it sit on the table and chew my food.
I pick it up and take a sip.
It's been * months since I've had a drop of alcohol or gotten &*^%.

I have two glasses, we have sex great, and we sleep.
There are no arrests. No crimes of the violent or emotional.
The world does not burn itself down, but on some level, I know I am playing with fire.
I wake up, and I don't know if I should freak out, or if it's just what I did and to divorce myself from letting it snowball into the end of the world.

I didn't slam the bottle down, nor did I honestly want more than a glass or two. I don't know that I even really buzzed off of it, but I also know it is subtle and the illusion of control is the most dangerous aspect.

I think back to ****** and when he told me and I knew in that moment that it was the abject and absolutely colossal truth: "If you ever go back out, it will be a woman that hands you the glass."

The monster is there. Lurking. I can feel it. I've let it back loose into my world.
The slippery slope of thoughts has begun. The conflict of thoughts that I can have one beer or one glass or that I can drink responsibly which is a farce based on over a decade of my rampagingly dangerous ways.

I don't know that I have the strength to do what I need to do.
I know now that it's also not about strength.
It's about choice and action or lack thereof.

The reality, is that I enjoyed drinking wine with my girlfriend over dinner and having sex.
The concern is that this is part of a long, slow, or perhaps rapid descent back into the mouth of madness that I see not barreling down on top of me.

Time will tell.

Good luck and happy hunting,
       - Yrs. in Christ