A Man in Full (?)

"SHIVA (or Purusha), on the other hand, is pure consciousness – the unchanging, unlimited and unswayable observer. Purusha has no desires whatsoever; these are inherent only in Prakriti. Purusha is the empty, clear screen onto which Prakriti projects her colourful film."

I grind it out at the gym.
The weather is nice."
I grill out with friends.
The weather is nice.
My girlfriend comes over for a bit.
The weather is nice.
I'm broke but that's something I can accept and tolerate.
It actually simplifies everything and keeps me basic and Spartan and clear.

I head out for a get together/celebration thing for a couple I know and I drink a couple beers.
The maddening self-destructive urge doesn't come. In fact, I begin to look forward to sleep and my bed and some hot chocolate or perhaps some good tea.
What the fuck happened to me?

I rewind to the night before and my girl and I are at another celebration type gathering. She's on my arm and she's relaxed and warm and feels safe. We're the relatively quiet couple still in the honeymoon/love bird stage even whilst in public.
Calm and serenity is slowly returning to our relationship. After a week of fighting and the like, I still grapple with some things that may or may not be deal breakers.....but for the time I'll let it pass and just take this and us and her at face value because that's easier and because....I don't know.

She leans over and whispers in my ear with angst and restlessness of a small child, tired of where we are, "Take me home now." Her legs squirm and she whispers "I need to feel you inside me."

I drive and she climbs half over the console, tucking my free hand between her leg when I don't have to shift. She arches her back and grinds her hips into me and the drive feels interminably long.

I carry her lithe frame inside and set her on the bed, still feeling the weight and temerity of her arms wrapped around my neck. "I feel so safe with you," she says.

She wanly runs her fingers through her beautiful, dark, long hair and in this moment I am bewitched. I can forget that I've seen too much, I've seen behind the curtain a bit too much, that the illusion is losing its luster.
At least in this moment.


" Known as "lord of the dance," Shiva is the essence of masculine and yang energy, the manifestation of presence, purpose, and skillful means. Shiva is the Great Father, with ultimate compassion for all beings. He represents transcendence, detachment, bliss, and the way to ultimate liberation. Shiva is silent, eternal, the consciousness that dwells beyond time and beyond death, in the eternal now. Your inner Shiva is that ever-present neutral awareness that compassionately witnesses all experience, and embraces all of life as expressions of the Divine."