I leave ***** and it's another delay.
I'm tired and half of me is glad nothing was settled and the other half of me is so tired of this hanging over my head like Damocles, anything is better than just killing more time waiting to settle this with the powers that be.
Both sides stacking the deck as best they can against one another, and it's just what it is which is motherfucking frustrating.
It's a reminder of the program and one of its best lessons: what will come to pass will do so with or without your permission and that you're really and truly not actually in control for the most part.
I wake up after sleeping in and make some good coffee and I ponder how much time I'll serve. I have text messages of support from my friends and family and I appreciate the concern but sometimes it almost makes it worse.
I know the end is coming and I know I'll be leaving and moving and though it is what needs to be done, it will be grievous and it will be hard as I'm 3* now, and some days...I'm just so motherfucking tired.
Tired of the changes and the not settling and the rolling stone lifestyle but it's who and what I am and I tried settling down and that was a calamitous failure to be sure...one for which I am still in the process of wrangling myself free from her and her emotional volatility.
I work my side job this weekend and throw this guy out into the street for roughhousing with his friend.
His buddy is a big guy who's not used to a guy my size standing his ground and impacting his life. I navigate having to tear the place apart to throw this big guy out the way I do so well and it's another reason why I was hired.
The guy I throw out tries to come back inside but that's not happening.
Nor are three guys who always come in and creep on girls so I'm keeping an eye on them and getting this guy's fiancé to take him home before someone outside gets tired of his antics and stomps his face in.
My ex shows up and it's not even irritating so much as its depressing and contrite and predictable and her man is this vanilla ass dude and I want to just tell him to follow my lead and "RUN!" but it would fall on deaf ears because no one will see what they don't want to see until they decide to see it and no one ever really knows anyone and the night is warm and some dude is sitting on steps nearby, head in his hands, then furiously texting and I recognize him from another place I used to work and he's "that guy" who is always aggravated and tense fists practically clenched as he comes into the place and make a note to keep an eye on him when he gets there mid evening and is fucking about to cry by the time he leaves and I shake my head and I sip my coffee and some cougar pulls on my tie and I think about punching her but I don't of course and I shake my head and take a deep breath and hold it in for a moment or two or five.
This girl who gets off from another spot nearby comes over and has a drink and she always flirts with me and I pretend not to notice. She couldn't be further from my type, but she's cool and we chop it up talking as I work the door.
I fucking hate this place, and by this place I mean the fucking ghosts of my past I have to pass everywhere I go. I've burned every place in this town to the ground and despite how it's going to come apart here at the end, I'm glad all this is happening because despite how painful it will be, I will be forced to move when it culminates and at least I'll head somewhere I haven't spent * years behaving like an unhinged madman.
I get off work and my girl walks with me and though I want to head to my place and drink a beer and just sleep for ages, I go to her place and she sleeps quickly because she's tired and I lay and stare at the ceiling in the dark and though I am at peace in this moment, it's not enough (is it ever?).
--
We wake up and she looks at me.
"How can you always be so calm?"
"Life will desensitize you when you make decisions and take chances like I do."
"Are you ever afraid?"
"Mmmm...I feel stress and apprehension, but even when I do, I rarely show it. If I can't control anything else, I can control my affect and at least not show it."
"Is that healthy?"
"Probably not."
I kiss her goodbye and head to train. We meet back up and waste away the afternoon and evening and fool around in my bed. Her young, supple skin, her curly blonde hair tickles my face, and she tastes good on my fingers.
She leaves and I'm alone and I buy a 6 pack and I sit on my porch and drink a beer and sit underneath the stars and I can't see the moon from where I sit but it doesn't matter.
I go to sleep and know that this is not an exit.
Good luck and happy hunting,
- Yrs. in Christ
I'm tired and half of me is glad nothing was settled and the other half of me is so tired of this hanging over my head like Damocles, anything is better than just killing more time waiting to settle this with the powers that be.
Both sides stacking the deck as best they can against one another, and it's just what it is which is motherfucking frustrating.
It's a reminder of the program and one of its best lessons: what will come to pass will do so with or without your permission and that you're really and truly not actually in control for the most part.
I wake up after sleeping in and make some good coffee and I ponder how much time I'll serve. I have text messages of support from my friends and family and I appreciate the concern but sometimes it almost makes it worse.
I know the end is coming and I know I'll be leaving and moving and though it is what needs to be done, it will be grievous and it will be hard as I'm 3* now, and some days...I'm just so motherfucking tired.
Tired of the changes and the not settling and the rolling stone lifestyle but it's who and what I am and I tried settling down and that was a calamitous failure to be sure...one for which I am still in the process of wrangling myself free from her and her emotional volatility.
I work my side job this weekend and throw this guy out into the street for roughhousing with his friend.
His buddy is a big guy who's not used to a guy my size standing his ground and impacting his life. I navigate having to tear the place apart to throw this big guy out the way I do so well and it's another reason why I was hired.
The guy I throw out tries to come back inside but that's not happening.
Nor are three guys who always come in and creep on girls so I'm keeping an eye on them and getting this guy's fiancé to take him home before someone outside gets tired of his antics and stomps his face in.
My ex shows up and it's not even irritating so much as its depressing and contrite and predictable and her man is this vanilla ass dude and I want to just tell him to follow my lead and "RUN!" but it would fall on deaf ears because no one will see what they don't want to see until they decide to see it and no one ever really knows anyone and the night is warm and some dude is sitting on steps nearby, head in his hands, then furiously texting and I recognize him from another place I used to work and he's "that guy" who is always aggravated and tense fists practically clenched as he comes into the place and make a note to keep an eye on him when he gets there mid evening and is fucking about to cry by the time he leaves and I shake my head and I sip my coffee and some cougar pulls on my tie and I think about punching her but I don't of course and I shake my head and take a deep breath and hold it in for a moment or two or five.
This girl who gets off from another spot nearby comes over and has a drink and she always flirts with me and I pretend not to notice. She couldn't be further from my type, but she's cool and we chop it up talking as I work the door.
I fucking hate this place, and by this place I mean the fucking ghosts of my past I have to pass everywhere I go. I've burned every place in this town to the ground and despite how it's going to come apart here at the end, I'm glad all this is happening because despite how painful it will be, I will be forced to move when it culminates and at least I'll head somewhere I haven't spent * years behaving like an unhinged madman.
I get off work and my girl walks with me and though I want to head to my place and drink a beer and just sleep for ages, I go to her place and she sleeps quickly because she's tired and I lay and stare at the ceiling in the dark and though I am at peace in this moment, it's not enough (is it ever?).
--
We wake up and she looks at me.
"How can you always be so calm?"
"Life will desensitize you when you make decisions and take chances like I do."
"Are you ever afraid?"
"Mmmm...I feel stress and apprehension, but even when I do, I rarely show it. If I can't control anything else, I can control my affect and at least not show it."
"Is that healthy?"
"Probably not."
I kiss her goodbye and head to train. We meet back up and waste away the afternoon and evening and fool around in my bed. Her young, supple skin, her curly blonde hair tickles my face, and she tastes good on my fingers.
She leaves and I'm alone and I buy a 6 pack and I sit on my porch and drink a beer and sit underneath the stars and I can't see the moon from where I sit but it doesn't matter.
I go to sleep and know that this is not an exit.
Good luck and happy hunting,
- Yrs. in Christ
No comments:
Post a Comment