The Rocketeer

I wake up in a bed and I don't immediately recognize the ceiling. I turn to my left and her long blonde hair is draped across her shoulder and her skin is smooth and young and taut and she doesn't stir when I get up to hunt down my phone.

We grab breakfast and it's complicated and jumbled and I head off into my day and get coffee and try to clear my head but nothing becomes more clear for my considering it with my thoughts and time.

I head over to see my girl. She's been asleep and she's warm and soft and she tries to push my buttons playfully but we have sex and we run errands and I find myself thinking about her long term but so much else is looking like it will change in the next few months that it all just seems colossal and jagged in my mind and I feel the fear: the fear of losing her and losing everything. A fear I haven't felt since before I took a break from drinking.

My ex-wife calls and I gather it's important because she calls 4 times in a row.
She's freaking out and I try to assuage her but she just turns on me and curses me out and I wait for her to hang up like I know she will and she does and I leave and I consider going out drinking but I'm tired so I don't and instead head home, grab a 6 pack of which I drink 4 while I watch the latest Hollywood fare and I sleep for a long time and wake up feeling hollow as the Tin Man but glad to wake up in my bed alone and I do what I always do when I feel this way.
I accept that I'm going to lose everything, everyone, her, the job, the place, the everything....and accepting that on the front end will make the actuality of it happening easier to bear if not at least more less frightening than the uncertainty of it all.....

  Good luck and happy hunting,
        - Yrs. in Christ