Soundtrack:
Been busy.
I guess that's true.
Maybe not.
That's true....in one sense but not in another.
Been training like a motherfucker.
That part of my life has been busy. Been grinding it out for serious to the point of overtraining and injury.
Outside of that though....I don't feel like I've been busy at all.
The noise has just been turned down on the other stuff....it feels so effortless. I glide so easy and so breezy through it.....and I just spend my other time as I please.
Working a second job while I consider quitting my career.
If I quit it, I'll probably be able to be quite a bit more open with this blog.
If not, well then, the masquerade shall continue. I don't know that I can leave my chosen field for good.....but if/when that decision is made....then after that it will be open season with honesty on this blog.
I broke things off with the young girl. It's for the best. She's a sweetheart but I'm no longer in the business of breaking young birds nor in the business of breaking the vaginas/hearts of young birds. I could rationalize it like "well, might as well be me rather than some other dude," but the iniquities of others no longer provide a reason to validate my rampaging ways. I guess this is what they call "maturity". As it is, I'm just glad I'm at my house, drunk on the cost of a six pack and some liquor and not even worried about driving nor a DUI nor sleeping in my car, nor worried I'll go to blackout and drive wi/out remembering it. Small victories, I guess?
I spent a month mired back in the brink recently. I'm talking day after day drinking, a couple blackouts, I emerged from it unscathed by the grace of whoever/whatever has been watching over me since my first close call back in between high school and college when by all accounts I should have ended up buried dead as fuck in the dessert in ******.
Things have grown even closer with my woman but as I type that it feels disingenuous because this scotch aged ** years I'm drinking has me realizing I did what I always do. I latched onto someone and honestly....she's beautiful and amazing...but there are some dealbreakers in her past that I'm grappling with and if I grapple with them...that means they won't go away....and I should cut her loose and save us both the add'l heartache of me just eventually realizing this later. Even worse I had an out, I had a clean getaway...but in my weakness, and in my sadness, and in my fear of loneliness......I backtracked and asked her to come with me or is it that? I adore her. I adore her ways and I continually wonder before today if/when I can continue to strike gold....because she is a fucking stupidly amazing woman......
And if I'm being truly honest......I'm still holding out for some other bird....or am I" I grow tired of the hunt. She is a good woman. She is a lot of what I want (and by a lot I mean virtually exactly) and though I suspect my kind always stay on the hunt too long past the availability of what we desire....I know only how to hold out and press my luck and press the envelope.....
Fuck modern romance.
But honestly, I can't complain. If not for proximity, I'd have two girls, and now it looks like a third in the mix with little to no effort. I bounced out numbers 4 and 5 just because I didn't have time despite my vacation and just....I have too much time I spend training and competing. Only so many hours in the day and only so many days in the week and the holidays are impossible to split several ways between girls wanting you to meet friends or family or whoever.
But options do not equal happiness........is there a way to be content?
Despite my 3* years...I cannot answer your most truthful of inquiries.....
- Yrs. in Christ,
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