She's fresh-faced and she's chipper and she laughs a lot but not in that meaningless way girls often do so irritatingly in some piercing cacophony of sound that grates on one's nerves.
We share drinks and in some non-relationship yet relationship kind of way her leg is pressed against mine. It is in this moment I see that despite our closeness, we will not work out as a couple.
We are slightly more than friends and my care for her resides deeper than at the acquaintance level but we are simply not close enough in other areas for the overlap to become enough to create the genesis of something more than two close friends with sexual tension and caring for one another and what might've been, the temporary nature of our intimacy creating something permanently almost bittersweet but simply what it is and must always be.
Of course because I'm at the bar with a cute/young girl other girls are staring me down more than they would be otherwise. Hooray for how women work.
It's what it is so I don't get irritated just shake my head, shrug, and accept that it is what it is.
This always happens. I bring sand to the beach/I show up with a girl on nights where there's a dearth of young, available clearly looking girls
That being said, despite enjoying the company of and sex with my girlfriend, I know the time is drawing close for me to bang another girl on the side. I don't necessarily want to keep it up for a lengthy period of time like I've done in the past, but I know that I'm feeling restless and it's been a couple months since I stepped out. . Like some siren call, it's simply a thirst for variety. A different body. A different sex script.
Something unknown.
I have a few more days off from work and I'm fighting the urge to really go off the deep end and get self-destructive.
I know it will pass but I'm feeling the maelstrom of the leviathan writhing inside and the craziness is just below the surface.
I have to sit.
I have to stop.
I have to hit the brakes.
I have to force myself to return to a place of calm.
This is how things spiral out of control. I've let the madness overtake my grasp on my world.
I talk to myself deep inside and calm and peace feel so distant I can barely recollect their touch but I know if I just stop and don't drink and eat well and sleep and have sex and exercise calm will return to my being.
I let this monster back into my life and it's my job to keep the leash as tight as I can most of the time.
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