Trials and Tribulations

I head out into the night.
It's been a shitty day.
I run into acquaintances.
I make small talk.
I run into a girl from the program.
I thought she looked familiar but when you have the side jobs I do, a lot of people downtown look familiar.

We talk and she's cute and she's in NA and like a good % of the girls in that program she is cute and young and hot. We talk and I resist the urge to flirt with her for the most part.
A friend of hers had just gone back out and he and I shake hands and it's a distant reality but I see him literally in action, literally back out there in the active sense.
I see the haze settling over his eyes, the rush, the thrill, the lust, the impulse.....like white hot lightning, a current pumping through the limbic part of the brain and he is off to the races and right now he's a million miles away from caring but fuck if I don't know what tomorrow morning will bring....or perhaps he'll escape any consequences and really head off into the maelstrom or the sandstorm of being lost in that fucking desert for God knows how long because once you head out into that wasteland.....there is simply no telling when you'll decide (if at all) to come back.

They head their way, I watch some people dance for a bit then head home and crash and sleep for 9 hours straight. I have either had trouble sleeping lately or slept for hours on end even when I haven't hit the gym. I'm probably making up for lost time when I wasn't really sleeping but rather blacking out when I was back out there in active addiction.

I have dreams, intense and vibrant and vivid but when I wake I don't remember them.....I'm having some tough days but I stay in the solution and share and talk....and I remember that advice that works for normal people fails disastrously for people like us....