Work Hard

I leave a meeting, rather, I make small talk with some people after a meeting.
I leave and get some food.
I can't find a single station on Pandora that I like. There's a bit of chill in the air.
I can't rest and I'm not that tired.
I drive where I knew I would.
I head downtown.

I hang out with a girl I know.
We run into another friend of mine, I talk and turn down drinks and pretend I'm normal or pretend I'm still largely the same person I used to be.
I don't know who's a charade anymore.

I don't know if this new person that turns down cheating on his girlfriend is me or if I'm just this pretend person I'm convincing myself I am for a little while until I forget how deep and dark the rabbit hole when whilst the dark passenger was at the wheel.
I honestly don't know.
I've found a measure of peace I never knew, but on some level, I see that, the ridiculously intense highs are gone. I don't let myself consider how much I miss them. I simply accept they are gone.
I had a credit line to get ill and I maxed it out.

I see the usual fade begin.
I see the guy who disappears and returns to find his girlfriend in tears. He has that bewildered/wasted look on his face and the weariness of knowing he'll have to deal with her emotions but not wanting to.
I hear the guy ask me if I'm trying to bang my friend. I tell him the truth which is that I hadn't really considered it. And I almost twitch at realizing I said that.
I see the drunken girl face-timing an ex-boyfriend to insult him then try to set up sex for later.
I see the guy pulled over and given a field sobriety test.

I see the commercials for Volvo or BMW or whatever kitsch. The tagline is always something like "press the envelope" or "comfortable living isn't living at all".....
That shit only appeals to people for whom buying a fucking car would represent doing something ill-advised.

What a tepid, lukewarm, limp-wristed irony.

I got off the rollercoaster b/c it was going to land me in the ground or an institution permanently.
But....that part of me...the part that always wants more......I still miss the excitement occasionally.

- Yrs. in Christ