Cynicism

Soundtrack:

I take a rare day off from training.
I'm beat up and tired. I know from my time in ********* this is a dangerous time for me. Free time, unstructured, rolling around solo, tired, sore, can't get **** to help with the stiffness and soreness.

I briefly think of the relief **** would bring but I don't actually consider doing it.
It's not a using thought, just the conscious recognition that in addition to getting ****, I would sleep better and probably be a helluva lot less sore as a result.
I see it and discard it as an option b/c those things are off limits for me. I don't even take a Tylenol.

I go to a church service b/c I've always liked a good sermon.
I see some live music and I walk amongst the people. I don't know if I feel more or less alone while I watch them day drink and dance.
I feel the malaise of a long, slow, empty day without distraction. I do what normal people do on a day like today but I don't feel what they do. Are they wearing masks? Does it matter?

I meet up with some friends and they watch sports but I don't understand the point. I do what I feel like people normally do in this situation and I wear the mask. A girl who's flirted with me previously hugs up on me, rubbing her chest straight up on my arm overtly but like that scene in the Devil's Advocate with the demons, I almost recoil.

I go and watch some more live music, get some food and head to a meeting.
I hang out with some people in recovery afterward.
I don't feel quite so alone.
I go home and fall deep asleep.

--

My daily obsession to drink/use has been lifted for the time being.
Is that just a lie my addiction is telling me?
I'm tired.
Tired of never knowing if it's me talking or the dark passenger?
Had a couple more friends over the past few days ask if I'm actually done drinking.
I would probably doubt me as well.
That or they think I'll clean up for awhile and be able to drink/use successfully.
But I know that tape ends with me killing myself or someone else so I quietly affirm to myself that I can never pick up again or I might as well sign over my life and my freedom.

I know this emotional bottom of the barrel will pass and for that I'm grateful.
I keep reminding myself of the things for which I'm grateful, like a mantra.
I don't feel the emotion but I hope that by voicing it, if nothing else, it drowns out the dark passenger and the hushed toned tales he whispers to my pride and my ego and my vanity.

Good luck and happy hunting.
         - Yrs. in Christ