Rambling Sunday Morning Cafe Post

"I was born to be the other woman" - Lana Del Rey

Real Talk on Steroids. Watch it before it's gone

"Success is the only proof a man needs to show what he is doing is the truth."
Go read THIS POST

I get some food and watch the UFC prelims before heading into work.
I eat at a place I often eat before working downtown and a new waitress with long ****** hair looks hard in my eyes when I order and compliment my tie. She pauses a moment for me to continue the conversation but I'm simply wishing I had the night off and could watch the PPV.

It's a card I'd actually like to see for once but the denizens of the deep need babysitting and I flirt with some girls and help several cute ones cut the line b/c they're not stuck up.
It pays to be nice occasionally.

I'm tired but the night doesn't drag on per se. It's the kind of sleep-deprived state where I'm only half aware of the irritation of the night and before I know it I'm off the clock.
I get off and take my time walking to get some food. I watch the various states of moral decomposition in motion. The happy couples hand in hand headed home without fighting. The angry male and the crying female. The wasted female and the nice guy practically carrying her to the car while she's belligerent.

The groups of girls putting on the pounds virtually shoving food into their faces like they're the last hot dogs or tacos on earth. Interestingly, it's girls doing the late night eating, predominantly. There's roving groups of guys, drunkenly slurring pick-up requests to whomever passes. The more aggressive ones who holler at girls clearly with guys.

It strikes me I haven't seen a truly pretty girl in quite awhile. I've seen a few lookers, to be sure. But nothing that's honest to God blown me away. A patron asks me if I do Molly.
I tell him I'm clean and sober. He looks at me quizzically but says something I hear often if/when it comes up: "that's good/I wish I would choose to do the same".

This happens a surprising percentage of the time.
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Some gay guys flirt with me in Spanish but I dismiss it and look forward to just sleeping for a bit then heading home after I finish eating whilst I sit sidewalk-side to the procession of the emotionally dead and inebriated fleshbots.

I eventually knock out for a few hours, and it's that kind of deep in spaceship type sleep when you're travelling for years at a time to a planet that has stopped communication without explanation. I dream very vividly about competing and training and when I come to it's like I've been struck by a lightning bolt and my lungs fill like a new born baby hitting the austere cold of the outside world.

I could probably sleep another 5 hours but instead I get breakfast, grab my coffee and slide into the day. I'd still rather be very tired than hungover.

My girlfriend ********** gets back from ***** ***** but I haven't heard from her for * days and I've drawn my line of self-respect in the sand. I don't blame her. I haven't forced the issue nor shown I'm willing to walk away other than one incident. I've genuinely forgotten in terms of emotional attachment that I'm seeing someone.

It's a tiresome pattern. I suppose on some level she needs me to threaten abandonment physically/emotionally b/c subconsciously she learned pattern long ago that and needs that pattern as theory suggests we unconsciously wish and act to recreate what we normalized at a young age.
I learned enough psycho-whatever-analysis that I have to be wary of over applying it and over-intellectualizing as though I understand women or any one woman.
Do the opposite of what makes sense, be less interested, and let go of expectation.
Those are the bedrock rules with which to govern your interaction(s) with the fairer sex.
You  may doubt, but the proof is in the results.
That's one thing the program taught me. When considering any advice, look at the success or lack thereof in the devotee. You don't have to like what's said, but the proof and truth is in the results.

But could we flip the script? Demure and refuse to participate in the unhealthy emotional games of unhealthy people? How many healthy or at least trying to actually be emotionally healthy people are out there?
That is a great question. Really, it's the million dollar question in my mind these days.

Governing, no, actually understanding my resentments, my sense of self, my insecurity, my pride, and my dishonesty.....but implementing some of what I know into my interactions.

It's a phase of growth and discomfort. At least I'm not in the pattern I was for the last ** years or so.
It's change if nothing else. Progress, I'll assume.

Good luck and happy hunting,
       - Yrs. in Christ