Blow Your Mind

Soundtrack:

I think back to my birthday.
I'm 3* years old.
I'm sitting on the floor b/c I don't care to take the time to buy furniture b/c I'd probably only use it once or twice a week.
I've thrown out or donated half of what I owned following the divorce b/c it was easier to do so than move it and b/c it honestly was shit I didn't need or want.

I'm tired and I'll soon be tired enough to sleep.
In active addiction, I could never sleep or when I did it wasn't even really sleep.
Now, even though I don't drink or use, I can almost always seem to use more sleep.
It's one of the things for which I am grateful.
Gone is the recklessness that enjoyed the insanity of late nights out in my mid 20's.
It stops having the devil may care tint to it.
It starts to look and feel like the vacuous distraction it is.
I find myself going to bed to make sure I get to places the next morning on time.
Mind blowing shit, seriously.
I'm facing life as it is without the numbing agents I could once use to escape for a time.
I'm growing my certain of who I am b/c I'm always me. I'm not escaping into the void and letting Mr. Hyde drive for a time, nor am I preoccupied as much with cleaning up his wreckage.
Perhaps that's why I'm so tired.
I'm actually living and experiencing things without numbing agents can be a tiring business.

I'm where I kinda' suspected I would be.
Alone and mulling over that perpetual question: did everyone else get life instructions I missed, or are we all just big kids faking it at a party standing around awkwardly holding a beer and trying to feign confidence and self-assuredness?

I take a deep breath, put on my sunglasses, leave work, head to the gym.
I know not what the night will bring.
My girlfriend calls but I ignore it.
I hadn't even expected to hear from her.
Lately, she only seems to know how to use her phone when she wants or needs something.
I'm kinda' over it.
I feel a ghost of my past slip into the driver's seat.
I don't know what she wants and honestly I don't care.
She passed the tipping point and now, there is no return to that warm, soft, place of intimacy from whence we came. 

Some things, it seems, some habits, die hard.

- Yrs. in Christ

Some Roosh knowledge for your day:
"Don’t cram for your goals. Take your sweet time so you enjoy the process that it takes to arrive at something you want, because if you don’t enjoy the process, I promise you won’t stick with it. In fact, taking a long time to reaching your goal is a built-in check to finding out if you truly want it or not, because if you must accomplish it fast, that means it’s not something that you want to make a part of your life. You’re setting a fast goal to motivate you because the actual process doesn’t fit your nature. You just want to say you did it, so you can brag to others that you hit the goal."