The End is the Beginning is the End

Things have been fomenting in my brain for awhile.
I could post about run-ins with women or girls who flirt with me, but it's the married man's loserville postings that scream of....I dunno, some kinda bullshit I shore I would never begin posting.
Hey, I also said I'd probably never get married.
So, it is what it is.

At any rate, the blog if it continues won't continue in that vein. If I have an observation to share, I will, but I also feel loathing at the prospect of posting a bunch of self-help, change your life by reading my post type bullshit recovering or at least moving on PUA/womanizers start posting when the veneer of sleeping with different girls chips and fades. It's a cliched change of direction and one that always irritated me when others do it, and I don't want to begin posting like those that always annoyed me as they schlocked some 4 hour work week masquerade product.
Besides, Hawaiian Libertarian does a far better job critiquing the modern world machine of globalism than I ever could.

A lot of things are changing. It's been 5-6 weeks since the last time I was drunk, and I don't miss it and the thought of striking 30 with some sobriety under my belt feels good and for the first time it's something that I know I can do.
I like going out with my friends I guess, but the morass of women-chasing charade of people pretending not to be looking for someone but actually secretly hoping to meet someone you wouldn't normally meet in a place like the place you're at that night....well, it seems a bit trite and forced.
That and my disdain for this place is so thick and heavy, that now, I see only a true wasteland.
Change yourself and your environment changes.
But to stay here, around the same people, haunted by my past and the places and the streets, well, then I cannot maintain change. At some point, you have to leave, change, and start fresh. Unlike Fitzgerald's 30's he describes in The Great Gatsby; I don't see it as loneliness, less social engagements and less single friends. I see it as a new start unbridled by excessive drinking, self-abasement, and superficial relationships.

One way or the other, I'm leaving this place and a lot of other things I elected to carry around much longer than necessary. I hurt many people and told many lies along the way. The dark side of human nature I showed many people, I hope ends up being just that, one facet of humanity amongst a great many.

Regret is a bag of bricks you carry down a hot, dusty, deserted road.
One day, you realize you can set it down and get on with things in a meaningful, productive way and stop looking back. So that's what I'm doing. I'll check my email periodically for those I've corresponded with over the past what, 6 or 7 years or so?

Hoist the black flag in my stead.
I'll let you know when my relationship status changes and I come back to the game.
Do me one favor....“O my [readers], remember sometimes thy little Alex that was.  Amen.  And all that cal.”

I'm left thinking of the end of Glamorama by Brett Easton Ellis. There's a scene where the narrator looks at a painting on a wall and somehow, it fits how I feel now. But I can't find the quote. Which is somehow fitting I suppose, because no quote nor words can really say what this blog has meant to me and what it has transcribed over the past however many years. I hope it meant something to some of you out there reading.

   - Yrs. in Christ