Real(ity)

4th of July was a letdown. Weather decided not to play ball. What can you do?

We had another fight.
In the span of a few weeks we've gone from her saying I should stop drinking b/c the very occasional times I currently get blackout drunk have been borderline uncontrollable to to she misses who I was when I drank every day.

Women.

They went it both ways.
She wants me to not get uncontrollably drunk and at the same time be who I was when I drank all the time.

I haven't had a drink since last weekend. And I'm going to try for a month.
I don't see this boding well for our relationship.
In a relationship, one person cannot fundamentally change a key element of their behavior without resistance and blowback from the other.

But, I am reminded of an anecdote a friend told me:
My buddy's dad was leaving his mom (this happened in high school).
My buddy was all crying and shit like it was the end of the world, and his dad looked at him and said, "Son. If I'm drowning, I have to safe myself before I can save anyone else. This family is drowning."

It was profound in its simplicity and accurately articulates the truth: painful and necessary decisions that are outwardly selfish prove necessary sometimes.
I have literally been drowning in my drinking. I have finally in the past year cut back my daily usage, and even managed a lot of social drinking. Cutting myself off, heading home early, deciding to stay in rather than hit the bar from 12-2am and downing shot after shot after shot. When I do have beer at home, I nornally have 1-2 then go to sleep. Many nights I wouldn't even finish the first beer I opened.
But, in reality, at the bottom of my being, there will always be an addict and an addiction waiting to be fed.

I'd like to mark my 30th birthday as the one where I had a headstart on sobriety from alcohol as it has cost me untold opportunities in my life.

There's a lot of changes going on in my life right now regarding my health, work, friends, et cetera. Unfortunately, as years of blogging have taught me, the specifics need be left out lest the vultures who love reading my shit come calling and want to make my personal life difficult.
It is when the bad man tries to become good that the Piper comes to collect. 

At any rate, good luck and enjoy the summer. The summer is prime time to meet new people. By the time you hit September and the early onset of Fall, the layers of clothes begin piling up, more of the quality girls are already bunned up with a man for the long, hard, cold, winter......

As for what I'm reading: working my way through Heinlein's works before Starship Troopers, more history regarding Rome, and some 19th century American politics. You can understand the present by examining the past. This is true of literature and history and current events.

     Do your thing. Ignore the doubters and the naysayers. The weak and infirm are always there to tell others they can't do the things they themselves are afraid to attempt.