Young and Beautiful

I still have One-itis.
I still have the occasional dream about her.
The good news is....there is a cure for One-itis.
It's not pleasant and I know it's going to be brutal to feel it wash over me one last time...but I'm comforted by the fact that after this....she will no longer have a place in my heart.

I text and say I'm going to fly out and see her.
It's been 3 years.
It's time to slay the beast.
It's time to force a "no."
It's time to make one last effort to make it happen though in my heart I'm about 85% she'll back out at the last second and I am relieved by this knowledge. That 15%, however, is terrifying.

I start looking at plane tickets and have the card in my hand to pay and confirm dates with her and she starts with the I don't know if you'll like my life here, it's different...

We go back and forth and it's what I always knew it would be.
But I got my "no," so I can put this and her to bed in my mind and in my heart. She's afraid of what I'm afraid of. That it will work.

It's okay.
Life is 97% people who don't want to know and 3% who do.
I'd rather have a "no" in my pocket than a "maybe" floating out there haunting my dreams and the backside of my eyelids when I lay down to sleep at night.

Oscar Wilde said that women seek to make what should be temporary into the permanent (Marriage) and in doing so kill the spark, whereas a tryst will be eternal in it's effect on our heart because of precisely it's moment in time.......

I put this to bed and put it away for good this time. I had thought we were the same....she was a kindred spirit...but she would rather live in the land of what might be rather than see what this is and could be....and that makes all the difference.