24601

Looks like I'll be moving in a few weeks. Consequences be damned.
I'm setting aside everything I can in the next few weeks and heading for a major metropolitan area where I can start anew.

I'm fighting off a cold and have been under the weather. I don't really have a lot of options now given my background. My previous career is largely off limits and if I make this choice to go onto this new path there's honestly not much in the way of going back.

Here's that part where normal people say "well you should have thought about that," and you remember how normal people never understand people like us. But ultimately, you can either allow people to reintegrate into society or deal with the aftermath of those unallowed to reintegrate. For a country with such a staggering violent crime problem and the clear evidence mounting that our solutions to crime and punishment fail to prevent the commission/repeated crime et cetera, esp. in the area of those suffering from addiction......the reality is that because those of us struggling with addiction to the extent that we break the rules/laws, number something like 10-20% of the population.....we'll always be on the fringes and treated as such.

I'm very close to making a decision that cannot be undone.
If I make this decision.....it sets me on a path that will likely not be one from which I can come back.
I'd had a feeling recently....I'd had a feeling that another brush with the law was coming. I'd had anxiety return to my dreams, and my mom always taught me to trust my intuition. I've come to put a lot of stock in my gut/instincts, and now that I'm sober I trust them even moreso as they are much sharper.

I have a few weeks to decide....but I've given enough of my time/life to the state...and I don't think I will willingly give it any more. If you've seen the 25th hour you know what I'm talking about.
There's a moment when you stand at the crossroads.....and like Jean Valjean I had a feeling.....I had a feeling that despite the fact I've gotten sober....that despite the fact I'm a different man....the cycle wasn't  broken...and that I had descended too far down to climb back out.