Soundtrack:
I work late into the night and make some decent money.
The obsession has been lifted at least in the present and I'm largely at peace in the sense that my life is lacking in current turmoil...this is the calm before the dive into the abyss of incarceration.
Obstacles loom on the horizon, but they are largely only a matter of things that will pass and fade into memory to not so fondly be remembered.
In the meantime, I stare out at a world full of women with half their head shaved, men with implant beards, and not enough drugs and booze and consumerism to numb any of them into oblivion.
I'm headed to a meeting later, and after that I'll eat some decent food because I'm not broke and after that....I don't know.
And then in a quiet moment, I can feel him. He's rubbing his hands together and shaking his head.
He's sitting back as I've put these * weeks under my belt and trusts that I'll grow hungry and I'll crave another deep, dark night headlong in the maelstrom of impulse and compulsion.
I can tell myself it's because when I was in the womb, or when I was a kid, or when I was whatever....but the self-knowledge only provides so much relief.
He's hungry to wrap his fingers around the throat as some girl moans and claws his chest in ecstasy. He wants to be debased and impulsive and dive headfirst into the sick thrill of eyes rolled back in the head through sex or alcohol with another damaged/fallen angel craving the re-creation of an emotional/behavioral pattern that will result in guilt, shame remorse because we recreate what we know.
My conflicting desires and beliefs and my reality that if I head back down the path I will honestly kill myself and/or someone else so I take a deep breath and drink my coffee and hope I don't meet another girl exactly like myself because that would be the death knell.
The devil comes dressed as everything you've ever wanted.
It's like holding fire in your hand.
I've been successful because of my compulsive ability to obsess...but that has always been the flipside of a facet of me that is wholly destructive and craves the extremes of life in all their costly detail.
But as with all things....I have this overarching sense as my health and semblance of sanity increases.....that I'll be fine come whatever may. Staring down the abyss and having the strength and faith to walk out into the light....and live this life sober.....with my looming case I know the greatest test of my adult life is ahead of me. I know that I'll emerge from it stronger.
I also know that I may lose her in the process.
I might lose everything and I accept this fully and completely.
It will be painful and humbling and..........it will pass no matter how deep the cost(s).
I pray and hope that I don't lose her...but I see that it's beyond my control at this point and I know that though I walk free at this moment.....this sword of Damocles is very real.
The Gods expect their tithe. The cheap thrills paid for with expensive mistakes.
I know the time warp that occurs when incarcerated. The lack of stimuli warps the passage of time and you can only sleep so much. I know the ** time I spend there will feel like an eternity and that I'll become a ghost to those who care about me but....I keep the faith that I will emerge a free man and continue becoming who I'm supposed to become in this world.
At any rate, I'm grinding in the gym at work and eating well and I'm getting stronger by the day.
I also liked the character Two-Face as a kid. He resonated with me before I ever knew of the duality my humanity and my upbringing was crafting in my psyche.
Good luck and happy hunting out there, folks.
- Yrs. in Christ
I work late into the night and make some decent money.
The obsession has been lifted at least in the present and I'm largely at peace in the sense that my life is lacking in current turmoil...this is the calm before the dive into the abyss of incarceration.
Obstacles loom on the horizon, but they are largely only a matter of things that will pass and fade into memory to not so fondly be remembered.
In the meantime, I stare out at a world full of women with half their head shaved, men with implant beards, and not enough drugs and booze and consumerism to numb any of them into oblivion.
I'm headed to a meeting later, and after that I'll eat some decent food because I'm not broke and after that....I don't know.
And then in a quiet moment, I can feel him. He's rubbing his hands together and shaking his head.
He's sitting back as I've put these * weeks under my belt and trusts that I'll grow hungry and I'll crave another deep, dark night headlong in the maelstrom of impulse and compulsion.
I can tell myself it's because when I was in the womb, or when I was a kid, or when I was whatever....but the self-knowledge only provides so much relief.
He's hungry to wrap his fingers around the throat as some girl moans and claws his chest in ecstasy. He wants to be debased and impulsive and dive headfirst into the sick thrill of eyes rolled back in the head through sex or alcohol with another damaged/fallen angel craving the re-creation of an emotional/behavioral pattern that will result in guilt, shame remorse because we recreate what we know.
My conflicting desires and beliefs and my reality that if I head back down the path I will honestly kill myself and/or someone else so I take a deep breath and drink my coffee and hope I don't meet another girl exactly like myself because that would be the death knell.
The devil comes dressed as everything you've ever wanted.
It's like holding fire in your hand.
I've been successful because of my compulsive ability to obsess...but that has always been the flipside of a facet of me that is wholly destructive and craves the extremes of life in all their costly detail.
But as with all things....I have this overarching sense as my health and semblance of sanity increases.....that I'll be fine come whatever may. Staring down the abyss and having the strength and faith to walk out into the light....and live this life sober.....with my looming case I know the greatest test of my adult life is ahead of me. I know that I'll emerge from it stronger.
I also know that I may lose her in the process.
I might lose everything and I accept this fully and completely.
It will be painful and humbling and..........it will pass no matter how deep the cost(s).
I pray and hope that I don't lose her...but I see that it's beyond my control at this point and I know that though I walk free at this moment.....this sword of Damocles is very real.
The Gods expect their tithe. The cheap thrills paid for with expensive mistakes.
I know the time warp that occurs when incarcerated. The lack of stimuli warps the passage of time and you can only sleep so much. I know the ** time I spend there will feel like an eternity and that I'll become a ghost to those who care about me but....I keep the faith that I will emerge a free man and continue becoming who I'm supposed to become in this world.
At any rate, I'm grinding in the gym at work and eating well and I'm getting stronger by the day.
I also liked the character Two-Face as a kid. He resonated with me before I ever knew of the duality my humanity and my upbringing was crafting in my psyche.
Good luck and happy hunting out there, folks.
- Yrs. in Christ
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