She swings by while I'm working and we flirt casually. She's cute and more than I expected. I head out of town and I behave and don't drink nor flirt or hook up with any girls.
I have these suggestions in my mind to actually make a go of this not cheating thing.
I have these fleeting thoughts, recurring throughout the day that I should actually for once, invest fully in something and give it a go. It would be a change of pace.
I table it in my mind for further internal discussion.
It's been * weeks of sobriety this time around. The changeover grows a bit easier by day. The physical craving has largely subsided as my body's natural homeostasis balances back out and now it's the subtle whispers of my calm life and character defects that will come to me in the silence and whisper for cheap thrills and expensive mistakes.
I'm adjusting to this life of normalcy and relative predictability.
It is what they say: an easier softer way.
There's no waking up in jail.
No car accidents.
No fist fights.
No run-ins with the police.
No mornings awoken in a cold sweat as my body purges the massive amount of alcohol I've ingested to then not eat for nearly 24 hours or sleep for half or the entire day in an effort to hide from the physical hangover.
I flash back to being out with my girl. Everyone is drinking, smoking, whatever-the-fuck. I'm calm and a bit tired and she's drinking. She's glib and cute and sweet and she's the golden girl high above the hot, sweaty, tired, dirty masses of the city. I realize she's becoming my grail.
She's becoming more than just the woman whose presence I crave but also a goal, an attainment, a pursuit for which to strive: I'm choosing life.
Slowly but surely it dawns on me I'm changing.
This moment as I stand on the ****** platform and the sky explodes with fireworks and I look out over the city.
Some city girls nearby stare us down with thirst. I'm stone cold sober and I take it all in stride.
I'm sober and my girl is tipsy. She leans on me ever so slightly as the train moves and nestles her head into my chest and sighs. It's a moment possible because I'm sober and I'm thankful for its purity.
I have a flash of her and I in the future, her hand in mind, walking through an airport, a child or two with us, headed abroad for some trip to somewhere families go to make their children more worldly. It's a bizarre flash and I'm reminded of Alex in A Clockwork Orange and his day dream/thoughts in the 21st chapter as he's maturing (?).
It's startling when it hits me and it's like the erosion of the beach suddenly seen in time lapse.
My old Peter Pan ways are fading a bit, piece by piece, whether due to weariness, boredom, maturity, or some unknown force......I've grown tired of being a lost boy and it's dawning on me that it's time to put away childish things and take on some responsibility.....because perhaps....just perhaps....investing in some actual adult things....will reap some amount of eudonia because my time spent chasing hedonia while instructive and informative as to the wild side of the maelstrom...has left me a bit tired and faded.....and weary.
I've come to appreciate a quiet night in bed with my girl watching Netflix.
What can I say? It's pleasant and the heart wants what the heart wants. She's a good woman and I'm taking slow but progressive steps to be a better man.
Some gay guys check me out nearby but I'm simply making sure my girl is safe by my side, her hand in mind. My mind flashes back to my city and my things I've been giving away/donating in preparation to move. I've got some loose ends but having quit my career and made my way about halfway through my list of entanglements, the move is coming sooner rather than later.
I've been hitting AA meetings but took a break while out of town.
I kept up the praying the program recommends. I don't know why but it works.
The thing about it is I don't know why the program works but it does.
It's the only thing that ever gave me any extended relief from the obsession since I became a full-fledged alcoholic.
I know that come what may, if I stay sober, the sky is the limit as lame as that sounds. I've got some legal ramifications yet to face but they will pass and no matter what, if I stay sober, things will slowly but inexorably continue to improve despite the cost of clearing away the wreckage of my past indiscretions.
Good luck and happy hunting,
- Yrs. in Christ
I have these suggestions in my mind to actually make a go of this not cheating thing.
I have these fleeting thoughts, recurring throughout the day that I should actually for once, invest fully in something and give it a go. It would be a change of pace.
I table it in my mind for further internal discussion.
It's been * weeks of sobriety this time around. The changeover grows a bit easier by day. The physical craving has largely subsided as my body's natural homeostasis balances back out and now it's the subtle whispers of my calm life and character defects that will come to me in the silence and whisper for cheap thrills and expensive mistakes.
I'm adjusting to this life of normalcy and relative predictability.
It is what they say: an easier softer way.
There's no waking up in jail.
No car accidents.
No fist fights.
No run-ins with the police.
No mornings awoken in a cold sweat as my body purges the massive amount of alcohol I've ingested to then not eat for nearly 24 hours or sleep for half or the entire day in an effort to hide from the physical hangover.
I flash back to being out with my girl. Everyone is drinking, smoking, whatever-the-fuck. I'm calm and a bit tired and she's drinking. She's glib and cute and sweet and she's the golden girl high above the hot, sweaty, tired, dirty masses of the city. I realize she's becoming my grail.
She's becoming more than just the woman whose presence I crave but also a goal, an attainment, a pursuit for which to strive: I'm choosing life.
Slowly but surely it dawns on me I'm changing.
This moment as I stand on the ****** platform and the sky explodes with fireworks and I look out over the city.
Some city girls nearby stare us down with thirst. I'm stone cold sober and I take it all in stride.
I'm sober and my girl is tipsy. She leans on me ever so slightly as the train moves and nestles her head into my chest and sighs. It's a moment possible because I'm sober and I'm thankful for its purity.
I have a flash of her and I in the future, her hand in mind, walking through an airport, a child or two with us, headed abroad for some trip to somewhere families go to make their children more worldly. It's a bizarre flash and I'm reminded of Alex in A Clockwork Orange and his day dream/thoughts in the 21st chapter as he's maturing (?).
It's startling when it hits me and it's like the erosion of the beach suddenly seen in time lapse.
My old Peter Pan ways are fading a bit, piece by piece, whether due to weariness, boredom, maturity, or some unknown force......I've grown tired of being a lost boy and it's dawning on me that it's time to put away childish things and take on some responsibility.....because perhaps....just perhaps....investing in some actual adult things....will reap some amount of eudonia because my time spent chasing hedonia while instructive and informative as to the wild side of the maelstrom...has left me a bit tired and faded.....and weary.
I've come to appreciate a quiet night in bed with my girl watching Netflix.
What can I say? It's pleasant and the heart wants what the heart wants. She's a good woman and I'm taking slow but progressive steps to be a better man.
Some gay guys check me out nearby but I'm simply making sure my girl is safe by my side, her hand in mind. My mind flashes back to my city and my things I've been giving away/donating in preparation to move. I've got some loose ends but having quit my career and made my way about halfway through my list of entanglements, the move is coming sooner rather than later.
I've been hitting AA meetings but took a break while out of town.
I kept up the praying the program recommends. I don't know why but it works.
The thing about it is I don't know why the program works but it does.
It's the only thing that ever gave me any extended relief from the obsession since I became a full-fledged alcoholic.
I know that come what may, if I stay sober, the sky is the limit as lame as that sounds. I've got some legal ramifications yet to face but they will pass and no matter what, if I stay sober, things will slowly but inexorably continue to improve despite the cost of clearing away the wreckage of my past indiscretions.
Good luck and happy hunting,
- Yrs. in Christ
good luck. stay sober.
ReplyDelete