Walk Away

She has many of the qualities I want.
She has them in depth as well.
She's eternally feminine.
She's mercurial and tempestuous and girlish and coquettish.
She's submissive in almost all the right ways.
Behaviorally and temperment-wise, she's about as close to my ideal woman as I've met.

But, she pushes my buttons.
To the extent that I cannot always control my emotions around her.
She was a big part of my starting to drink again.

So I break it off.
I walk away.
A younger me would have drawn this out for years on end, afraid to walk away and we would both pay the price for my weakness needlessly after the actual expiration date.

The abortion and the ensuing fallout drove us apart. The physical altercations, the tearing one another apart....

But, as a 3* year old man, I am wise enough to know that some pain now is preferable to more pain later.

I've seen the depth of this relationship and I will no more waster her time than mine.

It hurts.
I will miss her. I do miss her in fact.
I will think of the way she felt in my arms and the way we kissed.
I will miss the sex and I will miss the ways she bettered me as a person but this is not the end of the journey.
I have places to see.
Mistakes to make.
Roads to travel.
Alone and unfettered save by my own volition and wanderlust.

It's another reminder in a long line that sometimes doing the right thing feels terrible.
I'm always walking away, or at least it feels that way each time.

I know what my tithe will be....when I'm finally done, finally road-weary and done...I'll find someone but she won't be ready. This is how life always works.
But as it is, knowing this, no more changes the reality than shouting at the moon to rise or the sun to set....I can only be who and what I am now and hope for the best.