Putting the House Back in Order

I cut back on the drinking and so my life becomes routine again. The anxiety lowers and though I'm broke it's fine because I focus on training and work and my world comes back into focus.

I wake up and she's doing some work.
She's wearing this V-neck loose and incredibly soft shirt I bought her and her long dark hair cascades down her shoulders and her deep dark eyes stare intently at her work. I take her face in my hands and tell her how beautiful she is and in this moment I feel good. I do everything I can to burn it into my mind and my chest because I know it will pass and I'm beginning to wonder about what will happen when I leave.

Will you give up what you are for what you can become?

I keep hearing the above words come to me.
I slipped back into the brink and did a good bit of drinking for about a month.
I had a couple close calls and though I do have fun drinking sometimes, the best times are a glass of wine with my girl over dinner, or a few beers after a tough day at work and training my ass off in the gym. The bullshit faux socializing over drinks out in public surrounded by 97% people I don't fucking care to even speak to is just a waste in the most complete sense possible.

I genuinely believe people know what they should do and what they should be doing. Perhaps the insane, the unbalanced, the whatever don't.
The rest of us.....?
We really are just lying to ourselves and bullshitting ourselves and thus by extension everyone else.

I feel like the wolfman more and more as I age.
A good rampaging night out underneath the full moon every now and then and I'm good.
My need to be Jekyll and Hyde has passed thankfully as my body and psyche cannot handle living in the mouth of madness as I once did.
A part of me genuinely craves routine and normalcy and sleep and good food these days.

It's diminishing returns and increasingly close calls when I chase cheap thrills and expensive mistakes.
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I'm waiting on a few more details to give me clear deadlines and then I'll be handing in my resignation. I've got a severance package which will do me well in getting settled and the squaring away of a few debts I have here.
My girl looks at me and asks if I want her to come with me.
It is a question I honestly did not expect.
I know what will happen.
I can ask her to move with me and she will consider it for a time but ultimately back out near the end. Perhaps she'll offer to move later once she has secured work but we both know this is a pretty white lie to softly back out of the agreement because on some level she wants to have as much time together as she can before I leave for good.
Perhaps she'll fire across the bow and back out overtly with some time to spare before the move.
It is what it is and none of it will surprise me nor will it hurt so much as just remind me of the inevitable truths of humanity and our condition.

This is not an exit.