Your girlfriend says that you both need to talk.
Your boss asks to see you after the meeting.
Some douche in a bar shoves you.
You see a girl who is exactly your type.
Freeze.
Stop time by your will.
Do not freeze due to paralysis.
But grab the moment.
Force everything quiet in your mind.
Take hold of the fear in your hand, for some it is cold, for others it is white hot like Jack Daniels spilling down your gullet.
Fucking learn to bask in the pressure and the heat and the cold and the deep breath hole in your chest moment where every fiber of your being wants to withdraw.
Learn to stand in the moment and be still.
Given my chosen sport and hobby, I've had a lot of practice with what I call the long stare.
The thousand yard stare of indifference.
The feeling where you know that any rational human being wants to fucking run but you are fucking master of your fear and you simply elect to let go of fear, and pride and vanity, and accept that what will be....will be.
Roll the dice.
The absence of expectation
Living in the moment in pure acceptance.
Despite my childhood, learning to fight was absolutely paralyzing. I fucking hated it more than anything I've ever done in my entire life.
I fucking hated it.
I've poured an ungodly amount of blood, sweat, and tears on this endless grind.
So much agony, pain, frustration, injury, crippling self-doubt, frustration, the fucking furnace and funeral pyre of your weak, quitter, doubting Thomas self.
If you walk through the fire, who you come out as on the other side is different.
You will walk differently.
You will act differently.
You will react differently.
You will walk on certain feet in an uncertain world in uncertain times.
I thank God and the world for my trials and tribulations.
Though I am frustrated at times, I am armed with the peace that comes only from crushing defeat and glorious moments of victory that are better than any drug, any high, any sex....pure, exalted victory is the only description.
Walk through the hot gates and you get the rewards that come with it.
This is the fucking red pill/blue pill shit.
This is the realness. It's not canned material.
It's not fucking lines or magic tricks or faking it until you make it.
Growth is fucking uncomfortable.
Learn to appreciate the peace and revel in its temerity and brevity...and lift your head to the dark clouds on the horizon.
Do this and you will change for the better.
- Yrs. in Christ
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