Staying on the Path

I grow weary of the super bowl. I leave some friends and go to a strip club.
It's truly the land of the lost souls. Some butch lesbians, some random duos and trios of guys and some dudes straight solo like myself.

I'm not sure why I do things like this sometimes, but perhaps it's the old me flexing his muscles and taking the wheel if ever so slightly.
The obsession to drink/use for me is largely lifted.
At times, it occurs me sure I'd like to get *&^%, but the urge to drink is actually almost non-existent. It wasn't working for me at the end, anyhow.
I catch myself wanting to escape now, sure.
I want to avoid pain or discomfort, or consequences....take the path of least resistance. And in these moments, I know I'm an alcoholic/addict b/c I need to escape.....not b/c of a physical craving/mental obsession I do or don't have for the time being.

There's one cute girl.
Dark-haired of course.
Some of the girls make no effort to be sexy and are eating wings.
It's pretty pathetic in its own very bizarre way. I shake my head and sigh with some detached amusement.
Part of me relishes this time beneath the surface of respectable society.

Her hair is shoulder length of course.
Good chest.
I wish her ass was bigger but such is the way of man to never be satisfied.
It's why we went to space, went over the next mountain range...it's why we slaughter one another.
As with all things, it is a blessing and a curse. It inspires us to soul rending horror and awe inspiring glory.

The club is full nude which makes this my first time in a full nude club.
I pay for a massage from a girl walking around but she's not very good at it.
Still, it's been ages since I dated a girl who gave a good one and I make a mental note to go pay for a real massage in the near future.

"Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts."

For much of my 20's I felt completely lost.
I was struggling just to keep my head above water.
I was always one precarious drunk or whatever away from disaster.
I was completely right to feel that way.
I was lost as fuck.
I had no map.
No sense of any direction.
I had no sense of self; save the fidgeting id of insecurity which merely existed to jump from one impulse and withdrawal and overdose to the next repeated ad nauseum wash rinse repeat until I finally collapsed in desperation.

* months of sobriety and for the first time since perhaps, always, I have this sense of congruency.
I make a conscious and continuing effort to be mindful of others and think of myself less than I once did.
I have this vague sense of slowly, oh so very slowly, moving forward toward something.....for the first time in as long as I can remember or sense.

"It’s the truth I’m after, and the truth never harmed anyone. What harms us is to persist in self-deceit and ignorance."
--
I was unhappy, unhappy enough to acknowledge I needed some help.
I came to realize how emotionally vacuous my life actually was.

I find myself slipping on that old coat of indifference and degradation only occasionally these days, and often, solely out of restlessness and boredom with a hint of ennui.

As it is, I live such a simple life these days, that I am grateful for the peace and calm that is more often than not the default setting.

Life can simple and it can be beautiful in that simplicity.

With that I'm heading to a meeting.

Good luck and happy hunting,
        - Yrs. in Christ