It was a long weekend.
I worked.
I went ***** dancing and met some cute girls.
But, as I sat, amidst the throng of people....I felt the old familiar....alone.
It's the scene in the movie when everyone is dancing around the narrator but the camera cuts from the protagonists face and pans out wide and you see everyone else moving but the narrator cannot hear it but in the distance.
It's moments like this that I know something is wrong with me, and I accept it.
I know that normal people probably don't feel this way and no matter what I do, how much money I make or don't make, no matter what fights or tournaments I do or do not win....this will come to me in my darkest and brightest hours.....that no matter what I do, no matter who I am with, no matter what I accomplish....the hole will always remain.
My medicine now is knowing that the feeling will fade and that I can ride it out without seeking
I'm single now.
I haven't really been looking per se but my eyes have remained open.
It'd be nice to wake up next to a petite dark-haired waif but I'm not forcing or rushing it.
The last cute girl I met, I dated.
When she stopped pulling her weight in the relationship I bounced.
Since then, no dice.
The pretty birds have subconsciously found their mates with which to hibernate during the frost.
The weather turns cold and the daylight fades continually earlier day by fleeting day.
I could get married again.
I could buy a house.
I'd resent being stuck there or whatever work I had to do on it.
I could have a kid but then I'd wish I didn't.
At least I'm still relatively free.
I'm not locked into a mortgage, I'm no longer married.
I have enough experience in my career to legitimately move when this **** ends.
My life has become far more manageable now that I don't drink/use.
As I draw closer to actually being ready to leave this place, the faint whisper to relax and settle and stay in the bee hive, be a good little worker bee comes to me.
That it's enough.
That it's safe.
That it's good enough.
I've never been content with settling.
I must keep the image in my heart and mind that right on the other side of uncertainty are the rewards for which I have sacrificed .
I pray for the strength of will to stay dedicated to the dream as I know that right up until the end, right before freedom, will come the sternest tests of my faith and belief and determination.
- Yrs. in Christ
"The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires...because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut....He does not seek to gain his value, he seeks to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body."
- Atlas Shrugged
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