Smashing Success or Debilitating Failure!

I see a couple paths before me. I can quit the race. I can quit pressing on alone, daunted and weary.
I can fade back into the easier road.
I know that on some level I'll resent myself for giving up the chasing of my dream.
I'm 3* year(s) old.
I remind myself to keep the dream vivid and bright in my mind's eye.
The more intensely I visualize that which I desire, the more clearly my life comes into accordance with those desires. I keep the fire burning, burning bright.

The path seems less swashbuckling and romanticized after you've tread it through marriage, and jail, and debt.....the risqué tint fades and you're left with some cold realizations as to the kind of person you were and how carelessly you've traipsed through the lives of others.

Yet, there is also the cold but objective reality that you can only take each day as it comes and as you find the will to be honest with yourself and others.....be honest about what you have to offer and what you do not.

This time last year you were married.
This time last year it was already fading.
You were already straining against the harness and the reins.
This time last year you were coming up on your first infidelity as a married man.
You lasted considerably longer than one might have expected.

Being alone since then hasn't been much easier, but within a few days of façade-ing through a relationship or relationship-esque expectations....you find yourself alternately missing the freedom of leaving the gym when you please and going days without anyone expecting notification as to your whereabouts.

You've had some time to yourself. You have legitimately made some changes.
Is it time to craft a new canvas with a new partner?
I'm not forcing it but I'll keep my eyes open.
Doing this sober will be a new experience.
You hope it's true what they say, that you attract those who are of comparable mental/emotional health. This will be an interesting test as to whether or not you have substantially changed or if it's just a veneer of polish like so much of your life has been heretofore.

I will miss Wine Wednesdays drinking the better part of a bottle of wine, posted up on a dimly lit couch in a semi-underground-ish type wine bar with a pretty, petite, dark-haired waif.
But then, the flipside of that night is the risk that I'll total my car and kill myself or someone else.
We do what we can.
The needs of the ma-well, the needs of your humble narrator.
    - Yrs. in Christ