Steppenwolf

It's that kind of night.
Too early to go home.
Too late to drink coffee.
Too early to start drinking (See? I do occasionally make good decisions).
Too restless and tired of silence to go home.

So I sit.
And drink.
I see some friends and acquaintances.
I don't find the same solace in this I once did.
Now, it's simply the only choice other than uncomfortable tension at "home".
I'll pass.
Had enough of that growing up.
I remember the promises I made to myself when I was a kid:
1) never work a desk job
2) learn to fight and destroy my inner fear
3) do not stay miserable in a relationship or situation that is not for you

I sleep but not enough and it's another tough morning tolerated with coffee and a warm shower to power through to the afternoon until I hit the gym and sweat it all out to freshen up for the sequel.

Night begins to fall along with the temperature.
I hit my old routine of seeing what's available "to do" in this stupid "city".
Funny part is what I see now is exactly the same I used to see before I was married and before I even met her or my wife.
Seriously.
Years back, a random XXXXday night had the exact same options from which to choose.
How trite.

Some buildings are different. Some roads are new.
What there is to do on an off night?
E.x.a.c.t.l.y. the motherfucking same.
Well, I'm using a smartphone to peruse the social calendar.
I suppose that is "progress".

It could drive a man insane.
Were I normal.
As I am not, it proves moderately annoying at best and tiringly tedious at others.

I'm stacking and reviewing my plans for the end of this contracted work.
I have a few options to choose from and honestly, I feel blessed.
I have friends and those who care about me enough to spot me a couch while I relocate and restart on my feet.
My boss has already found my replacement and has a list of back ups in the event they fail as I will be hard to replace. He knows I was serious this time when I told him I could not be convinced to stay any longer.
When you're willing to start completely over, well, you are never truly stuck.
Bus, plane, car if I have to, when this contract expires, I am leaving a couple days later.
With only a bag or two if necessary.
I roll my eyes and shift uneasily as I drive toward my "home".
For a few moments, I smile and know that "this too shall pass" (my mom taught me that from a young age....that, and "this above all to your own self be true").
I've become adept at remembering them in tandem when I raize my personal life to the ground and stand amongst the ashes.

I am her son.
And I am my father's son.
In so many ways.

I am weary. A long life of many nights hunting.
And it has begun again. No, rather, it will soon begin again. I am not seeking just yet, rather familiarizing myself with the territory.
I am not upset nor angry, rather accepting and wise in my knowledge that this is preferable to servitude in an institution I do not understand nor wish to fathom: marriage.
He stands nearby. I don't bother fighting it.
There is no fighting it.
You waste only time and energy when you fight who and what you are.

I thought all this time I was recharging my emotional batteries, finding my humanity or some other laughable aphorism....but now I see only what has been, always was, and always will be.

But I have been to the purgatory.
I have seen the frozen lake.
I'll take a cold night sky to a cold home.
Freedom is always expensive and we so freely let it slip from our grasp sometimes.
Now I must pay the price for my curiousity.