Drowned and Dreamt

Soundtrack
I'm sitting alone at the bar.
I'm sipping whiskey and coke.
I've skipped the beer and gone straight to the Maker's. I'm exhausted and despite my weariness, or perhaps, rather, due to my weariness I know this is a terrible idea.
I don't know how bad an idea it will be...but the aftermath is going to be hellacious.
I see a huge fight on a side street as I traverse to another bar.

But I have that small voice that pleads with me to stop.
I nod and sip and say "sure" but know there is no turning back, come what may.
I hit the magic moment.
A favorite song of mine plays.
I know that tomorrow I'll wake up, it will be a long day at work....and this moment, this moment I'm living right now will be the last clear memory I can muster with any certainty.

What's left are some flashes of me flirting with various girls, girls leaned in close, tugging at the buttons on my dress shirt, my hand on the back of a girl's neck, so fragile, so frail, so small. The wolf licks his lips and asks for more.

I know now, in this moment, it will never be enough. I will always be a rake. It feels good to stretch and flex and survey the savannah and ask myself which prey to approach.

I grow weary of this.

I find myself walking to my place. It is dark and it is cold and I feel at home.
At some point I was tired of riding in the cab.
The steppenwolf traversing the night sky on some nameless quest to avoid myself or to find myself.
The night sky looks down on me abjectly with little or no regard.
I know this is how it always had to be.
He walks with me and says nothing. He was at the wheel earlier but now in the cold, we walk in stride with nothing but cold night air passing between us. I'm not even mad at him. I know this is the price that must be paid.

I have forgotten that I had *******.
I won't remember until the argument the next day and I wake up with almost no memory.