Quest

Do what everyone else does.
Get what everyone else gets.
It's been my personal dogma for a long time.
In my foolish hubris, I thought that marriage would not change me.
----

I'm sitting by myself.
Drinking.
There's the usual loud guy who has to talk the bartender's ear off and tries to make conversation with me. Some drunk girls are nearby, tensely crossed legs, angry at ex's, or men in general, wanting the right thing to come there way and take the burden off of being an independent woman for just a few moments.
They are so bitter as to make even conversing with them feel reprehensible to consider.

I'm trying to decide what and how I feel about my wife leaving, not listen to some jerkoff talk about how cool he was in college.
It takes awhile but I finally get a buzz going and for a time I feel better.

I sit outside for a bit.
The air is a bit cool.
It feels appropriate while I think about where I'm going, what I'm doing, and reaching for some emotion to consider.
I feel......frustration at an institution that changes people as individuals and changes the nature and dynamic of a relationship.
I'm frustrated that marriage was everything I feared.
Frustrated with everything and nothing....and above all myself.

I like working at things. Improving them. I like honing my craft in whatever avenue it is.
I don't like the feeling of loss or failure.
But then I debate with my sense that there is no point throwing good money after bad.
And that being married just is not for me.
This silent sense, calm, quiet, yet unwavering.....this sense that I have miles to go before I sleep.
That I have calamitous nights yet to behold and more hearts to break.

I once tried to avoid breaking hearts. Now I accept that it is unavoidable.
A necessary evil regardless of whether I date, sleep with, marry, or disappear.

I know that almost every relationship will end...and perhaps, all of them will end.

My bank of emotions has defaulted on its loan.
I have no more false emotions to share nor experience.

I am looking forward to my ** airline tickets and making my way out to Seattle.
I don't know what I'll do with the other one. Probably go visit the west coast again. Setting my foot on the soil there always instill a sense of calm, like I'm finally returning home after a long journey away from the shire.

Go figure.