Emotional Volcano(es)

Cleaned a few fallen soldiers from the blogroll.

It's a reminder that we come and go from the blogosphere. I don't blog as frequently or with the same content I once did but then, it's been something like 7 years in various incarnations. The formula has to change b/c I have to change.
My thoughts rewind to last night:

I'm standing amidst a throng of questionable young people with poor decision-making skills.
This guy's girlfriend is telling me I look like James Franco while her hand rubs my lower back. He's drunk and if/when he sees her hands and he gets aggressive I'll have to put him to sleep. This isn't the bar to be involved in a melee b/c the staff likes to think they're badasses b/c they rough up drunks clowns on a nightly basis.

I'm tired and I wish I'd gone home but it's too late for "could have" or "should have".

The group I'm with segues to a gay bar and it's a Sunday night crowd of the people not watching The Walking Dead premier.
TV shows, that's that shit I don't understand.

A little raver chick I met back in active addiction sexts me and I'm wishing she was closer so I could go get it in.
I've been lazy and though I've met girls recently, my game feels off. It's like this confusing maze of interaction that I didn't used to have to over-think b/c I was drunk or whatever.

Oddly enough, it's been party-ish girls who've been coming on to me lately, which is actually the last thing I want. I don't know if it's my calmer more serene side attracting them.
I've been good and made a point of not flirting with girls in the program.
I don't want to be THAT fuckin' guy picking up chicks and newcomers in meetings.
That being said, I'm tired of people that don't at least somewhat understand where I am and what I'm trying to apply to my life.

I can't be that dude with you and your wasted-face friends.
I'm also not willing to be that dude putting you on the emotional rollercoaster of wicked feeling games where I play the disinterest/walk away/my way or the highway game with you.

I don't have the patience for the emotional outpourings over perceived whateverthefuckitis.

But  my mind snaps back to the evening. I decide to stay out.
Against my better judgment.
My old curious flares up just long enough to coax a "yes" out of my lips.

All my rational mind thoughts tell me to call it a night.
That it's a waste of time to stay out.
But I miss the ease of just saying to myself, "Self, 'fuck it,' we are staying out, come what may."

So I stay out. I flirt with some girls ever so briefly, a bullshit emotional blow up happens with a guy in the group and his visiting girlfriend but I am unfazed, silently tapping away on my iphone in the rainy mist and streetlights, grateful I'm not the fucking asshole punching a tree or a wall or his car or kicking his own front door in on a Sunday night with a flight to catch in the morning, risking a DUI as he traipses around town behind the wheel.

I walk to a nice place to eat and reminisce over the previous night's escapades with a buddy of mine. I eat good food and I feel better for a spell. I see a Jack & Coke on the bar and though the whiskey calls to me, I know that my license to get ill has been revoked due to abuse.

Lately, the only times I miss active addiction are the thought of drinking wine on a futon with a girl I've just met, or a lazy Friday night in bed, high, watching a redbox, having sex, and falling asleep.
It's a simple life and though I miss those things, but I know they must stay firmly rooted in my past.

As it is, I slip my coat on, brace myself for the slight onset of winter and rain.....and call it a night.