Early Morning Drive

I hit the gym early b/c I haven't in awhile.
Driving in the dark, reminds me how much I care about bettering myself.
Reminds me that if I want more than mediocrity, I'll have to sacrifice in kind.

I try to remind myself to feel pity for others, or sympathy, or whatever, but at some point, it has limits. There's always a laundry list of excuses and though I try not to judge, eventually it's all just talk.

It's time to shit or get off the pot.

I'm finally, actually, literally, putting my life back into order.
I'm single. I'm paying back debts and money owed and the like.
I'm finally living a life in which my words match my actions. Integrity they call it, dare I say.

I know that what follows in the start of the new year is finally a move out of this city.
I've burned it to the ground and once I clear up a few remaining obligations I'm actually going to move. My rampaging ways have finally fallen to the wayside and as I clear the wreckage of my past days the path out of the wood and back onto the road grows more clear by the day.

I have amends to a couple people I will have to make before I do, but those are not the problems of today. They will reveal themselves in my path when the time is right.

It sounds strange to say, and even more curious to believe, but I'm beginning to accept that which truly resides beyond my control and simply "let go".

I roll into work early. Very early in fact. Shocking, the things I do these days. I'm like the strange doppelganger to the person I used to be. I feel like Ewan McGregor's character at the end of Trainspotting in some ways.

Though, I still live a Spartan lifestyle in terms of the material, I no longer crave the cheap thrills and the aftermath.
I recall Sunday night and though I briefly considered it, the garishly painted mouths and lascivious whisperings of low class women no longer have much pull. I'm reminded of Atlas Shrugged and the comment about a man who respects himself cannot be long entertained by tawdry women if at all.

I've been out and about but it's been ages since I saw a woman worth pursuing.
My eyes stay open and my willingness matches the quality of what I see.
But, the days of settling are by and large over.
I see that now. Without alcohol to sway my decision-making I cannot bear the conscious and sobering reality of denigrating myself with a woman beneath my station.

As it is, I head to the gym.
Good luck and happy hunting.
         - Yrs. in Christ