One-Itis

I didn't realize it but I had become codependent.
I didn't realize it but I was doing way more than she was in the relationship.
I didn't realize it but I wasn't keeping her guessing.
I didn't realize it but I was devaluing myself and she probably didn't even consciously realize it either.
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There's a point of no return.
I've allowed our relationship to be on certain terms for so long it's unfair, ridiculous, and silly to even think or consider that it could or would now be any other way.
It's painful because I forgot my own carefully crafted rules and boundaries and now we'll have to break up because....no ultimatum, no threat, no short term well-intentioned changes......nothing can fix what happens when you allow a relationship to fall into certain emotional and other patterns.

What sucks about the Matrix and seeing the numbers....is that when you see it, and they talk about this in the Dune series regarding prescience, when you truly see and know the future...you become trapped by it. I understand the game and interaction to the point...that I know the totality of what the current state of our relationship means.....that there's no changing it. The tiger can't change it's stripes, and certainly not after the amount of time our relationship has been on/in these terms.

It's unfair to her and stupid of me to even begin to craft or manipulate or attempt to alter it into anything other than what it is....and I have to likewise be brutally honest and know that as it is, as it has become....it's not fulfilling and to continue on, I'll grow increasingly resentful and passive/aggressive and the series of break-ups and getting back together will begin, and each time we'll get back together more briefly, and each time it will be less fulfilling if at all, until all that's left is the what was always inescapable and inexorable fact that it was already over.

You unconsciously delude yourself into thinking self-awareness and knowledge means you won't create one-itis in your relationship...and yet in retrospect, you thought about kids, and marriage, and being happy, and that with her that was possible......bitter is the taste of the reality of reflecting upon it now....