Know When You're Beaten

I walk in and hug her briefly. She can sense why I'm here.
I tell her I gave it a shot but that my feelings haven't returned.
A big part of why I'm ending things with her is she simply endangers my sobriety. She's way too close to me, way too able to push my buttons and manipulate me emotionally. I don't have the control I need to be secure in this relationship.
I break it off and though I am upset when I leave I know it is for the best.
I leave and I am upset and though there are tears in my eyes  I don't let wishing things were different blind me to the reality.
It's a hard fought and hard won practicality that has come only from years of trying to force what cannot be forced without great(er) personal cost.
I met a master player.
She fucked me emotionally harder than any women I've ever met/known.
And I mean that.
She kicked my ass ten times over to the point where I had totally flipped my script of dealing with women.
What's crazy is how subtly she did it over a span of nearly a year.
The greatest trickster makes you think it's your idea, that it's to your benefit...it's like emotional Inception from that Christopher Nolan flick.
Well played, girl....well played. I can only bow my head in acknowledgment.

---

I'm at work, and a girl asks me about the tattoo on my arm. She asks the way they always do as they touch my arm.
She's cute and we make small talk but I have work to do so I don't think much of it.
I'm a bit tired, been tough training lately, and sobriety always takes the edge off of life as it invariably seems to turn the volume down on things.

I'm far less excitable in sobriety. The rest of the night at work is a melange of ugly white people, guys spitting game at girls, lame frat-tastic douches and sorostitutes being obnoxious.
I haven't been out to game or approach much because I simply haven't had the desire.
In letting go of my girl and the baggage with that and the abortion and the everything else I'm just passing the days as un-event-fully as can be done.

It's the peak of winter. The getting bun'd up or whatever it's called phase/window has shut and now people are just riding out the bitter winter.


--

A girl of questionable moral reputation is flirting with me at work. She kisses me on the cheek and I can barely stop my hand from unconsciously wiping away the moisture however slight of her lips.
I am nonplussed with the crowd and the simplicity of my life but I'm sober, and ever must it be simple if that is to stay the case.
My ex texts me from out of town saying she misses me and loves me with the shorthand abbreviation she always used.
I feel my old jealousy flare up....but I let it go as best I can and focus on my work.
My emotional bank account is depleted from a year of dealing with her and her sucking my real emotions out like a vampire or a succubus or whatever it's called.
I shake my head, vaugely wonder what the night sky looks like, and try to put her out of my mind.

Good luck and happy hunting,
       - Yrs. in Christ