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| Freedom like most things of substantive value can be costly. |
"Honestly, why wouldn’t you cheat when your marriage devolves into living in a house with someone and raising kids with them, primarily, and a love relationships secondarily. Hell, not even secondarily, just like the status quo. You don’t work on your relationship because you don’t care anymore, but breaking up isn’t the path of least resistance so you don’t do that either."
My parents were roommates while I grew up. They fought and argued during my childhood/when I was a kid. With time, they no longer fought. They would go through the motions and the holidays and shit, but they rarely hugged or kissed after the age of probably, 7 maybe?
"You just go with the flow. You don’t want to have to move and get rid of the house you share, or not be able to see your kids everyday but you don’t want the robotic existence of simply being roommates with someone, so you outsource the love and affection and excitement of being in a relationship to someone else."
The mind blowing part about this article is that it's spot on, and it's from a woman.
Note this phrase, "Through working primarily with older men I know a lot of married men who cheat and I don’t really think it’s such a bad thing.".
SHE has ACTUAL EXPERIENCE with men. SHE BASES HER IDEA on interaction with the source material taht is men, not on a need for "the way things should be".
I don't know if my wife cheated during our marriage.
She was ********* so her definition of cheating may be a bit more open to interpretation, on top of the fact that she's a woman and a woman always feels justified when acting on feelings.
It wouldn't surprise me because in fairness, I had become emotionally distant by the end. I didn't hug her in the night the way I did, there were times I'd rather stay up and drink alone rather than hold her until she fell asleep. We had to budget time for sex. I take responsibility for this and accept that if she cheated, I am also partially to blame.
Furthermore, we both had our extracurricular moments while dating.
Beyond that, since the separation, it's always months afterward, that she'll inform me she's been seeing some guy as she confides in me "how serious it is" or "how he just turned everything end over end" and the like.
Her lying by omission or overtly to him, means that I am also likely in the same boat or was in the past.
Not long after the separation she was dating and shortly after "not long after" she confided in me that she was going to have a kid with X guy.
I was hurt and on some level I think she wanted to provoke me or incite me to return, but it only furthered my resolve that I got out just in time.
I don't want a house.
I don't want children.
I like this "doing whatever the fuck I want when I'm not at work" thing I do every day.
It's pretty fuckin' awesome to be honest.
Further reality of Marriage HERE
You have before you two roads:
You can accept that you will be one of 5 or 10 or 20 dudes to bang your wife, and you'll exist in a house that will degrade over time, but the system convinces you to pay off over 30 years. Sure, you can dress it up with a lawn and other shit, but it's a box with walls and a roof all the same. You'll live next door to whoever the fuck wants to buy that box with walls and a roof.
Ask yourself this, if you weren't married would you really want a house? Nearly every person I know with a house is always having to fix some motherfucking shit or worried the property value is tanking.
You'll hang out with other people with kids and shit.
I don't even have to satirize what a fuckin' pain in the fuckin' ass that is.
You'll have a dog and/or a cat that you may/may not like.
Your life will revolve around lack of sleep, raising these smaller people. Your wife and you will be like brother and sister at best, or like emotional arch nemeses at worst.
Your life will be consumed by things.
Many, many, many fucking things but not the things you wish to consume your life.
OR
You hold out.
Or if you're like me, you escape the self-imposed prison.
You work out.
You travel.
You stay solo and ride out lonely holidays knowing the warm weather will return.
You read in your spare time.
You tune out the TV and mainstream media but keep a watchful eye to measure the pulse of the decline of human civilization and do the things you enjoy that broaden your experience as it burns down around you.
You resist the materialism and the consumerism and the social stigma and conditioning to be like everyone else to buy buy buy and marry marry marry and reproduce reproduce reproduce and be like the Jones.
You ignore the self-assured crowd trying to convince you to be like them. Happiness doesn't need to convince you to mimic what it is.
It simply is and attracts you.
That little voice inside tells you to resist.
Refrain.
You channel your inner toddler and utter the most profound of all human emotions "no".
There is something else, some other thing or things out there.
You don't know what it is or what it looks like...but it is not the vacuous collection of a box and a car and a mortgage and being roommates with this person who once the kids move out you buy more fucking dogs to have something to fucking talk about.
-----
Do you let fear of the unknown dominate you into quitting the race?
Into settling?
Staying married felt like settling to me.
It was endgame type of shit.
At least, for me, being honest, that is what I felt sitting in my nice, warm, expensive apartment at night starting at a flat screen I didn't fucking want on a futon I never fucking felt like getting with a bunch of appliances in the kitchen that I don't miss now that she took those in the divorce and not once have I thought to myself since moving on "I miss that TV" or that "couch" or whatever-the-fuck-it-is.
Not motherfucking once.
Marriage felt like accepting a known outcome.
TO me, the unknown unknown was better than the known known.
Staying married was to be untrue to myself.
I was unhappy.
It is that simple.
But know this, it is a serious undertaking.
There is no room to waffle.
There is no room to vacillate.
That need to know what was on the other side of the pain of separation, divorce, sobriety, of walking back into the wilderness.....I had to know, so I started walking.
It was excruciatingly painful for a long, long time.
There were many doubts that assailed me as I slept in my car, slept on the floor, slept with no heat.
Sitting on the floor next to my bed, no furniture, nothing, barely any money for food, scraping by.
It was fucking miserable....and every single time I thought about caving, about crawling back, about accepting the terms of the contract they dress up with a party and a ceremony and religion for non-religious people.....I remembered those nights drinking by myself until 3am, numbing myself to the trappings of a life I had always suspected was not for me trying to obliterate the voice inside me saying it wasn't for me......and I kept slowly crawling forward.
But....I was free.
Was it emotionally taxing, devastating, painful, and maddening?
Yes.
Was it worth it?
Every single moment paid in full.
I was not prone to someone else's tempestuous emotions, mood swings, and I was not the rock upon which she landed her anger and frustration at the inability of the human animal to every truly be content.
Often, you become someone else's whipping boy in marriage and the law and the economics of it force you to endure for years on end.
Fuck that noise.
That's what being a man is to me.
Listening to that quiet inner voice that tells you to ignore all those other things telling you what you should be or how to be or what you should want et cetera.
The truth shouldn't feel the need to convince you.
The truth works by attraction rather than promotion.
Being a man, to me, is taking a road not because it is harder out of spite or just because, but facing the adversity in order to obtain something or in order to be true to yourself.
I am, of course, only speaking for myself.
How you live your daily life is yours to do with as you wish.
You are either taking steps forward or you are taking steps backward.
Good luck and happy hunting,
- Yrs. in Christ
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