Recovery Vs Game and Thoughts on Vending Machines

Soundtrack:
Been a tough several days. Not the least of which due to the girl I'm seeing.
As time and error and foolishness has taught me, I can't divulge much here. Paranoia doesn't mean people aren't out to get you.

That being said, she made it longer than most. * months before the fatal mistake that comes in most if not all my relationships. She tested the waters by withdrawing and being uncommunicative with some bullshit excuses that if I was still drinking/using I'd probably not even need to hear as I wouldn't be coherent enough overall to notice/care about her absence.

As it is, it's the kind of thing where you're reminded that all the recovery stuff, about being healthy, and all that, women are still women, people are still people, and relationships are still relationships where we subconsciously jockey for control and our expectations and needs and desire being met, and I've been far too open with my emotions and thoughts and dare I say it feelings for the past * weeks.
I haven't done any push/pull, been far too available, and now I must withdraw and put it in the hands of the great puppeteer as to how she'll react. Nothing comes across so much like being pathetic as always being available.

The good news is that when I begin to flounder, I retreat to the rooms, regroup, and remind myself that every day isn't rainbows, kittens, and sunshine, but that so long as I don't drink or pick up, this will pass, and my life will slowly but surely improve over time.

I've grinded hard this week at the gym, done well professionally, but I sit in the rooms and I see how fortunate I am I didn't lose all of that, and then I add the necessary "not yet" b/c I am still an alcoholic and an addict and the circus is still in town.

It's that predictably irritating dismay I feel in knowing that I shouldn't be surprised at her behavior. I don't blame her as much as I blame myself for slipping off my game. I was on full auto-pilot, but running with new programming from counseling and sharing at meetings and such.
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I know when I see her my face will belie my irritation. Previous experience suggests she may try to rationalize her behavior as she has over the phone, and I'll call bullshit. She has that disease of rarely if ever admitting she's wrong, or when doing so throwing in a "but...." and even hearing that word in my mind in her voice right now angers me considerably. I do not know how I will react. I will likely  leave and strike her from any meaning in my emotional space. She treads this dangerous ground during a time when due to circumstance we haven't been ******** for awhile and the ties that bind us feel more tenuous than ever. That dangerous moment on the balance beam when you stumble begins...and you know....you know that the fall is coming....it's only a question of to which side.

I feel that old distance and coldness settle into my chest. The acceptance of the end, the surrendering to the voice that says "just let go....we're fine alone. She is replaceable. They all are."
I do know that if I don't fuck a chick soon I'll probably rape some poor coke vending machine, that's how hard up I am to jam my dick in something.

I don't know if this is my disease whispering to me or if this is my rational mind responding to events with clarity. Welcome to insanity.

I know this frustration will pass. I'm using the tools I've learned rather than considering stepping out and drinking/using. The hope/faith/belief/knowledge that this will pass is enough to keep me from if not stepping forward at least not taking steps backward.

Good luck and happy hunting.
     - Yrs. in Christ