Conscious vs Subconscious

....been a tough week. I felt myself back sliding, no, that is not true, rather some events of which I became aware showed me just how close I may have been to relapsing last week. I saw the subtle slide in my decision-making, in my fleeting thoughts of using, in my willingness to go to old people, places, and things.

I see this only in retrospect.
At the time, I was listening to my own best thinking, to my interior monologue.
Listening to my best reasoning is insanity.
If I think it's a good, okay, or event great idea....it may or may not be.
My best thinking got me into jail and institutionalized. My own best thinking could have killed me and others more times than I could count.
Where I have left to go down this false gold-coated yellow brick road is the complete loss of freedom and/or death.

My disease is progressive and fatal. Based on what's happened this week to some people close to me I see that I am never more than one day away from relapse, and never more than a day from dying.
No matter how many days I have before today, today is a new battle to protect me from myself.

I've got to decide to put into place fail-safes b/c I am truly my own worst enemy.
I've got this monster, this beast, this leviathan locked inside. And part of me wants to sneak in and let it loose.

Remember inception when they mentioned that the wealthy would train parts of their subconscious to protect them while they slept from thieves?

I have to do the opposite. I have to use my consciously sober brain to put into place obstacles to my subconscious self's desire to self-destruct and debase.

I'm meeting some friends later, then I'll hit a meeting and after that I have to **** but it could be worse. I could be dead or I could be using.
For me, to use is to die.

It whispers to me to meet people. To make new friends. To look for a soft, young, fresh-faced girl with whom to make out.
It promises what I want is out there.
What I want and pursuing my wants it what got me where I am.
It comes subtly with sweep promises and a tickling tough on my neck or behind my ear.

Good luck and happy hunting.
     - Yrs. in Christ