Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood......

Been out of town for a few days for my **** ********.
I went out and got drunk 2 of the nights.
I did some training while I was out of town and spent time with my ******.

I don't really enjoy drinking much anymore and it's time that I stop so I'll be getting some help here shortly.

I'll try to post a few more times before I go in and then, perhaps, after I come out on the other side I'll continue to post.

I don't know if I will as I know the ** days will likely bring about some real and substantive changes in the decisions I must make daily to stay sober.

I always swore this blog wouldn't become self-help, empowerment, MRM type stuff.
That being said, if I'm not drinking it's doubtful it will continue in the capacity that it has.

I was considering cheating on my girlfriend before I left but I'm at a point where it just seems like more hassle than it's worth, and I actually feel a modicum of...perhaps, bad, I guess, if I cheat.

I think this is what they call a paradigm shift. Cheating, if I'm being honest, is no longer in line with the values I profess publicly and try to ascribe to personally.
I've always been a person of some contradictions but my core beliefs are magnetically trying to enforce congruence. If I mean to achieve the one remaining discernible goal I have left to achieve in my life, then everything else must come into accordance to give me the best possible chance of achieving that goal. I've always joked that training saved my life, but now I see that it is my one, best, true chance at doing just that.

I find myself inexorably drawn to a different path.
I do not wish to look back over my life and simply see a bunch of chicks I slept with, blog posts, and a book.

I've always sought out challenges and sought out my fears to face them, and I've got just a couple left.
Trying to truly be great when it comes to my chosen sport, and whether or not I can stop drinking.

I used to temper my fear of sobriety with the belief that I enjoyed being social and drinking and carousing.

Now, I no longer feel the same luster and longing for those pursuits....but rather I fear that hell will be meeting the person I could have been and I have already lost so much time and money on this beaten path of debasement, debauchery and self-abuse.

To quote my mom, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired" no matter how functional I am on the surface and whatever success I have managed otherwise.

Good luck, happy hunting, I'll post again before I go in.

    - Yrs. in Christ