Not Lacking in the Lackadaisical

I wake up and train early. I eat a good meal and drink coffee to prepare for more training later on.
I've got some money in my pocket for the first time in what feels like months. I can't go spend it b/c I have bills and a divorce to pay for and a new place and the like which will end up totalling more than I made last month.
But it's nice to know it's there if only for a few days.

I'm supposed to do stuff, y'know like look at **** and be in public and hold hands....the things people dating do with my new girlfriend this weekend but I don't think I'll do much of that.

I hit the moment.
The moment when I'm no longer emotionally invested. It honestly came out of nowhere.
It normally comes on gradually and I feel it begin to flutter and grow and reach out with its cold, icy grip around the organs in my chest.....but not this time.
I got a message from her, and realized something was amiss.
I checked my chest and my thoughts...and it had not registered with me on an emotional level at all.
The moment that always comes on as it does.
That moment of ennui and where I see the writing on the wall and my feelings dematerialize into whatever black hole devours the other human emotions I'm supposed to have.

I'm ready to knock out my last session of the day, eat some good food, drink a beer, get ****, relax and fade into deep slumber.
Today's been a day where I felt like a man, more than I even do most days.

I might happenstance jaunt out underneath the stars for a quick drink or two and appreciate the solitude amongst those seeking fulfillment or distraction or revelry or merriment but I know that though I will be near these people and these interactions, they will not touch me nor will I feel the emotions they are feigning or experiencing in an effort to accrue social wealth/status/whatever with one another in the odd procedure and rigamarole that is the mating ritual in America.
The dull haze of post-training and the content of exhaustion earned with blood and sweat and frustration and striving for an impossible ideal provides a calm that defies articulation.

Good luck and happy hunting.
Perhaps I'll go out tomorrow and create some interactions so I have something to blog about that's a bit more interesting.
     - Yrs. in Christ