Atlas Shifted

Sean Bateman: "A great numb feeling washes over me as I let go of the past and look forward to the future. Pretend to be a vampire. I don't really need to pretend, because it's who I am, an emotional vampire. I've just come to expect it. Vampires are real. That I was born this way. That I feed off of other people's real emotions. Search for this night's prey. Who will it be?"

Tired.
High.
Too tired to enjoy being high or the other way around, wait, no.

Tired as hell.
My mind's still racing as fast as it can gears grinding lurching forward on sparks from wheels ran down to the rims and for a brief moment, my psyche feels like Raoul Duke on his way somewhere.
But then I focus on being high and I feel better. I know this is one of those manic nights where I get the urge to leave quietly into the night and drink until it grows quiet and dark on the wall of the cave in my skull.

I remember a girl asking if I knew where to buy.
Then asking if I knew anyone holding b/c she had a bowl.
Ah, girls.
Yes, the drugs are free b/c you have a vagina.
As if.
But then I figure,  "no wonder men and women can't communicate. We literally live in different worlds."
Men either adapt to the dating market or slide into obscurity from childhood. Perhaps they are lucky and find a pity-match with another shy and socially awkward girl.
Cute girls have to cash in before their expiration date turns them into a pumpkin.
Fat girls become bitchy or comedians.

Emotional vampires still rule the night.
I'm still feeding off of other people's real emotions.

I realize that all of them were destined to fail. All of my relationships. My drinking would have destroyed them regardless. This colossal weight, for once, momentarily lifts from my shoulders...and for a time, I feel peace. Knowing they were always going to end regardless somehow makes my guilt sit a bit lighter in my chest. As though, my actions are almost inconsequential, if in the grand scheme....they were all going to end anyway.

But this is just what I tell myself as my eyes close and I float into the darkness of the night and the fan blowing and as the sheets pull me into their arms and my head turns to the side as I slip into sleep.