Nightstalker

My buddy and I go out.
I observe the crowd. I observe the girls.
I observe the interactions.
I scan the room.
I see a girl who looks very much like my only real love.
I'm in ghost mode and I see and recognize this but the dark passenger is nowhere to be found.
I don't approach her and game her into a date or whatever.

I see but don't feel.
I don't feel much of anything the whole time we are out.
I'm packing up my feelings in my heart and mind for my girlfriend who I'm breaking up with and that's taking most of my processing power.
It's rare I see a girl who's that close to my type that I don't approach.
It's a pretty specific type so when I see it I pursue.

In other news. I did meet a girl who's my favorite ethnicity at work the other night. She's promised to make me some food so we'll see if she's serious. She's a niche ethnicity but my game is usually tight/on point with them b/c of my previous experience with their culture and because my game is usually airtight with girls I'm genuinely attracted to. I cut out all the frills, all the BS, and my desire is red hot and direct and not thirsty...but I'm going to force a "no" early on rather than get jerked around.
We chop it up while I'm working and she has some thirsty male friend who keeps trying to be all gropey mc groperson with her but she demures and throws looks my way at times and catches me looking and there's that moment she can tell I'm slightly disappointed she'd even let that dude paw her up a bit but my eyes have the thousand yard stare I'm told and at the close of the night she insists I take her number in front of him.
The friendzone maintains its population density and I pick up another possible bird for my aviary.

Young and Beautiful

I still have One-itis.
I still have the occasional dream about her.
The good news is....there is a cure for One-itis.
It's not pleasant and I know it's going to be brutal to feel it wash over me one last time...but I'm comforted by the fact that after this....she will no longer have a place in my heart.

I text and say I'm going to fly out and see her.
It's been 3 years.
It's time to slay the beast.
It's time to force a "no."
It's time to make one last effort to make it happen though in my heart I'm about 85% she'll back out at the last second and I am relieved by this knowledge. That 15%, however, is terrifying.

I start looking at plane tickets and have the card in my hand to pay and confirm dates with her and she starts with the I don't know if you'll like my life here, it's different...

We go back and forth and it's what I always knew it would be.
But I got my "no," so I can put this and her to bed in my mind and in my heart. She's afraid of what I'm afraid of. That it will work.

It's okay.
Life is 97% people who don't want to know and 3% who do.
I'd rather have a "no" in my pocket than a "maybe" floating out there haunting my dreams and the backside of my eyelids when I lay down to sleep at night.

Oscar Wilde said that women seek to make what should be temporary into the permanent (Marriage) and in doing so kill the spark, whereas a tryst will be eternal in it's effect on our heart because of precisely it's moment in time.......

I put this to bed and put it away for good this time. I had thought we were the same....she was a kindred spirit...but she would rather live in the land of what might be rather than see what this is and could be....and that makes all the difference.

Something I'll be Field Testing: Using Statements to Determine Logistics

1) Divorce yourself from the outcome.

Outcome expectation is a HUGE component of failed performance.

If I'm doing things simply to see if they work, then I don't take negative results personally and I'm not emotionally invested in the interaction and if/when it goes poorly. I take all that I see/hear/read about PUA with a grain of salt. So try it on a girl who's not your type.
Hell, your lack of interest means it will probably work.
Later, trying it on a girl you actually want will be a minimum of 5x harder...bet you $$.

At any rate, I'm going to start testing something Sam from RSD talks about: using affirmative statements to find out what you really want to know.

"You live nearby, yeah?"
"You're going to be hungover at work in the morning, no?"
"You don't cut loose very often, do you?"

One-Itis

I didn't realize it but I had become codependent.
I didn't realize it but I was doing way more than she was in the relationship.
I didn't realize it but I wasn't keeping her guessing.
I didn't realize it but I was devaluing myself and she probably didn't even consciously realize it either.
--

There's a point of no return.
I've allowed our relationship to be on certain terms for so long it's unfair, ridiculous, and silly to even think or consider that it could or would now be any other way.
It's painful because I forgot my own carefully crafted rules and boundaries and now we'll have to break up because....no ultimatum, no threat, no short term well-intentioned changes......nothing can fix what happens when you allow a relationship to fall into certain emotional and other patterns.

What sucks about the Matrix and seeing the numbers....is that when you see it, and they talk about this in the Dune series regarding prescience, when you truly see and know the future...you become trapped by it. I understand the game and interaction to the point...that I know the totality of what the current state of our relationship means.....that there's no changing it. The tiger can't change it's stripes, and certainly not after the amount of time our relationship has been on/in these terms.

It's unfair to her and stupid of me to even begin to craft or manipulate or attempt to alter it into anything other than what it is....and I have to likewise be brutally honest and know that as it is, as it has become....it's not fulfilling and to continue on, I'll grow increasingly resentful and passive/aggressive and the series of break-ups and getting back together will begin, and each time we'll get back together more briefly, and each time it will be less fulfilling if at all, until all that's left is the what was always inescapable and inexorable fact that it was already over.

You unconsciously delude yourself into thinking self-awareness and knowledge means you won't create one-itis in your relationship...and yet in retrospect, you thought about kids, and marriage, and being happy, and that with her that was possible......bitter is the taste of the reality of reflecting upon it now....

Rule of 7: Get to the No

I've posted about it before.

My best friend and the guy with whom I observed and still retain much of my philosophy of women was a dude I met in college.
We were roomed across the hall from one another opening day of college.
What followed was 4 years of experimentation and pursuit of girls however poorly and ineffective.
College was where I really began to cut my teeth with the fairer sex.
I started college having had sex with 1 girl.
By the time I graduated I was roughly near 17 or 18 I think. End of my freshmen year I'd slept with 1 more girl since starting college.

Guys who know me now would never guess I was such a slow starter.
My number's encroaching on 80 at this point. Numbers don't impress me much, a huge chunk of my number was simply proving to myself what could be done and method perfection.

I've gotten off topic: The Rule of 7.
My buddy and I our junior year reflected back on how many girls we would have to approach, what would turn into dates, and then what # would lead to sex.
Now, before you discount this early empirical evidence, as being exclusive to the laxer dating policies in college, I've reaffirmed this rule for every year of my adulthood. And even if your number is less, who the fuck cares? Figure out what your Rule is in terms of approaches to closes/whatever.

It's a lot like sales. Every "no" is just a step closer to a "yes." And honestly, I'm attractive enough, I sometimes seek to push for a "no" just to determine if I am wasting my time with this girl.

I'm going out on a limb here, but for attractive guys, if she's hanging out with you....unless she's about 10% of girls....sex is coming. Like this inevitable quicksand Batman trap in that old show with Adam West.

My rule is more like 1 out of every 3 or 4. I don't count an approach as a girl I talk to and gives me her #. In the era of modern flaking, that's such a shallow interaction it means nothing. For every 3-4 girls I genuintely have a conversation with, I'm going to have sex with one if I pursue that avenue.

Let's recap my entry back into the game:

Approached a girl in a coffee shop and asked if she was single. We chatted for an hour. Then she said she was a lesbian. I don't think she was. I think I fucked up the interaction. It would be easier to think she is and just strung me along out of some perverse enjoyment, but more likely, I just fucked up the interaction.

Hung out with a girl. Total flakester. Spent 3 weeks trying to lock in plans. So much work just trying to hang out one time didn't bother to follow up.
Hung out with a girl. 3rd time we hung out we ended up in bed but both so tired from work, gym, life, we fell asleep before sex but *knock on wood* will clearly happen next time or two we hang out.
Asian girl from work. Did all the work. Made it all happen.
2 Other girls from that time period with random BS about making plans/cancelling et cetera. To be expected.

The point to all this basic, remedial math is that assuming the near miss the other night completes, I'll be batting roughly 2 out of 7-9 depending on what you count as an "open."

A big part of all this is not even sweating a girl who goes radio silent.
Not even sweating a girl who cancels last minute. She just outed herself as not worth the time wasted any further.
Fuck throwing good money/time after bad.

I appreciate the girls who flake or never even respond to the opening text after initial meeting. MUCH preferable to the ones that string you along with inane conversation to pump their ego/facebook/instagram like craving need for semi active validation. Girls like that are never interesting and honestly In My Honest Experience suck in bed. They're so vapid and mindless they're barely worth putting up with long enough to bang. She's not gonna be able to discuss the socio-political/quasi-religious undertones and comparisons to Islamic Fundamentalism in Dune.
She's not gonna go see Revenant with you and be mildly entertaining.

Story Corner:
Hottest girl I've ever had sex with...I had to stop seeing because that's how terrible her personality was.
Her "sense of humor" was showing youtube videos. I could literally only put up with her while heavily drinking and she was doing coke.
I had to break it off because to put up with her devalued me as a man in my heart of hearts, when being honest with myself.
You want to talk brass tacks? This is the real talk. One of the hottest girls I've seen in real life and definitely the hottest I've slept with. Bar none.
I had to stop seeing her after maybe 3 weeks.
I thought I was climbing Everest. In once sense, yes, she's hard to attain. A girl that hot, literally, has dudes falling all over themselves every moment of her day.
To keep going with her, I was degrading myself and my sense of standards.

All that glitters isn't golden.

Slump Bustin'

So I set out to get back in the saddle.
I've only slept with one person since my release and as I've ended that relationship I know what has to be done.
Once this becomes a congruent inner decision the universe listens. Work has to be done that follows but things will fall into place.

I'm at work and this girl who's never really hit me up before starts doing the girl version of gaming me hard. She's touching me, showing all kinds of interest, trying to hold my hand and shit.
I don't really put much thought into how annoying that is, but an hour after I get off work I'm over by the hood getting out of a cab and I'm knocking on her front door.
We go up to her room. We have sex and I try to sleep on what passes for her bed/mattress. She has that non descript Asian girl body that might as well be a pre-op effeminate twink in all honesty but it's dark so who the fuck cares. She's a girl. I'm a guy. I'm in a slump. I need to hate-fuck a girl to get my head back in the game. We wake up and I fuck her again but it's round two of some of the least interesting sex I've ever had.
I'm not surprised.
She works as a dominatrix and it reaffirms my life experiences that girls with highly sexualized jobs are dead fish in the sack/when not being paid.

Every sign was there beforehand that it would be lackluster.
I wasn't that into her.
She's not really my type.
I was tired AF.
The path of least resistance was to go home, sleep, and chill the fuck out until a tastier meal came my way.
The path of least resistance is no path to what you want.

So why did I do it?
Because medicine doesn't always taste good.
It was more important that I bust through the wall/this slump than be a lazy clown and turn down an easy-ish ticket to get back in the saddle.
You gotta do things you don't wanna do to get the things you want.

"Sometimes the lion must eat grass."

There and Back Again

I'm back.
I don't know where my voice went or if it's new or if it's changed, but as I've always promised: I'll continue posting notes from the underground.