Throwback

Flashback: I'm currently incarcerated, and this is from before I went away.

Been struggling lately in a lot of respects. Not physically tempted or craving a drink per se, but squirelly in my thoughts. I can feel the discontent, the anxiety....last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping.

I've done almost all the things on my to-do list before my impending incarceration. In some ways I'm letting go, facing the reality of the number of days I will at least do as a ward of the state.
I've lined up just about everything possible to put my life on a virtual complete hold for however many days/months I end up serving.
It's a sobering reality, for a lack of better phrasing.

I feel like I'm losing it.
I'm raw.
I'm coming up on ** days sober and I have to remember that despite whatever program I may be working, physiologically and emotionally I've been that many days without something to numb me.

I'm left with a ton of anxiety, mountain of uncertainty, and the usual humdrum of life that is living with addiction.

The old familiar voice whispers to let go and stop caring about everything and everyone and that this will be easier and this is true. It would be much easier to just shut off all my connections to the outside and just go in alone and adjust completely to the inside.

I've come to know enough to also know that being alone is when I'm closest to my disease and that at it's core, my sponsor says the disease is about love vs fear. All other emotions and thoughts are in one of those two categories if you dig deep enough and determine their root.

I half consider breaking up with my girl because it will simply be easier that way.
I see yet again...in some moments of acceptance that going inside means potentially losing everything and I'm okay with that. I accept it and it washes over me and my mind drifts to the sentencing to come and the walk down the hallway in handcuffs afterward and the long stretch of days I will see line up in front of me and the waiting and the time warp that occurs inside as the stimuli dwindles and time in effect changes in your perception.

And in that moment, everyone and everything on the outside will be a million miles away because you are in the belly of the beast.