Holidays, Odds, & Ends Wi/ Ramblings & Such

Soundtrack: 

The recent spate of the heroism for film versions of military intervention action/whatever by the US military has gotten passe to say the least.
It sells better than the reality that war is and always has been about a cash grab by one group or one person from another.

I've had some deep and dark nights out recently.
Got into a fight and had several nights where I woke up with literally no recollection of how I got there. Buddy of mine had to put me in a cab after I was asked to leave the bar I last worked at.
Showed up at my girl's place and she wasn't home so I cabbed it back to my place. No easy feat when you realize you don't have your phone in the first world in the middle of the night.

I made out with some cute girls before the fade to black occurred but it is worrisome to know how blacked out I was.
My tolerance is hard for a time then completely dissipates and I'm out there on auto-pilot doing God knows only what as a danger to myself and others.

My girl has been flipping the fuck out lately and it's half-justified but we're hitting that point where what I feel for her is only barely and tenuously enough to keep me from just quitting things with her.
She's more emotional upkeep than I can maintain at this pacing for much longer.

I'm willing to cash in my investment on how much I care for her for a girl who just honestly fights with me less. I need a newer, perhaps younger model that doesn't need as much emotional volatility.
It reminds me of my marriage in that she needs, no craves the rollercoaster of how serious and intense things are...and honestly....I'm kinda beyond all that noise.

It's the holidays and I always like the solitude of empty streets and my other n'erdowells as the only company out on these deep dark nights.
I've got some young, fresh-faced fish on the line and honestly I've simply been remiss to do the slight amount of work to go out with them and have a few drinks and make out and text back and forth and let what happens naturally unfold as it almost always does.

I have to do the group get together thing with the girl tomorrow and I don't dread it like normal but I know the lunatic inside will also reach out and crave some solitude by the day's end....and I can't say that I'll be able to control it. I've always loathed holidays and yet loved the single person's holiday ritual of going out with the other single people and drinking.
My game's been on point lately but I haven't felt much push to close the deal with any of the options on the line.

This guy gets it. 

You reach a point where you honestly examine the time investment of sex versus how much you want it.
A true cost-benefit analysis.
Wow.
It still shocks me when I catch myself doing it.
It's late in the Fall and yet I've still managed to meet some cute girls as normally the quality birds are all bosomed up for the winter well ahead of now....but I just can't be bothered with it these days.
More in part because I've been grinding it out at the gym mornings as well as nights and though I can still get up and grind it out before work after a night on the town it is so dreadful that I just elect to avoid that whole scenario altogether.

As it is, I'm slowly but surely doing it with my girl.
I used to argue and hash it out and rage with her....but now...I just know it's the current argument and it will never end, there will always be some other, bigger, more deeply emotional one on the horizon....and.....I am tired.
She hits the nail on the head.
She says, "you don't even fight with  me anymore. I still don't like the way you communicate when you argue, but at least you cared enough to fight me before.
Of course you don't like the way I communicate.....you complain about practically everything.
I realize she's right. I don't know it but in an hour or two I'll prove her right over dinner.

Too tired to care enough to even speak.
When you see the futility of spending hours of your life hashing out bullshit and feelings that are only transitory in the truest sense of the word.....you lose the will to trouble yourself with the practice and time expenditure.

We're at dinner. And she's being a smartass and I counter and she raises her voice.
I tell her to keep it down because we're in public even though the place is near closing time and fuck this part of town because I never come here.
Normally I'd show that I don't care when my woman raises the alarm in public but I'm just tired.
Tired of arguing.
Tired of her fucking tests.
So tired of her fucking tests.
In my rational mind man mind I know it's her way of showing she's still considering me as a potential winner of the prize that in her mind is her.....but this does not console me.
My weariness exceeds my understanding of the game and of this opportunity....and I simply sit silently in the bask of irritation and I don't even feel the sand through the hourglass pass swiftly or slowly as it does. 
Tired of making the most of these opportunities to make her mine because there is no winning with a woman like this.
I see the numbers of the matrix

I don't say a word.
I don't say a word to her while we drive for 35 min's back across town to my place.
I don't say a word while she texts away on her phone.
I don't say a word while she curls up next to me and bluffs and says we should talk about splitting up.
I don't move a muscle, I don't pull her to me. I don't take the bait. I don't do anything.
Because it's not a bluff....I'm just tired.
Tired of the routine and the day or two of relative peace punctuated by her bitching and complaining and her negative talk and I let go.
I tell her "if [she] wants to split up, we don't need to even have a conversation."
With that I carry her to bed, get undressed and she curls up next to me and I sleep because I have grinding at the gym early before work and I sleep deep dark strange dreams of clowns and I wake up in the middle of the night like I have been lately and inexplicably...and I lay away briefly then rest for a few hours before I'm back in the gym polishing my craft.

I consider my options and vaguely consider where I'll go when the sun goes down....I roll my eyes and sigh when I consider her bitching at me at some point...and it's that moment...when it's like the past ** months are just dead weight and expectation and being forced to listen to complaining....
Even the thought of some new girl....doesn't have the same allure it once did. I think I just need sleep.
I just need...something...I simply do not know what it is in that inarticulable way that your sense of self seems to know so simply and utterly and clearly.

- Yrs. in Christ,
      Happy Holidays and happy hunting......